Where Did The Static Go?

I seem to remember being "zapped" by static electricity fairly often as a child. But it doesn't happen much at all any more. Why not? Is there something different in today's materials that leads to less static electricity build up? Is it all the anti-static-cling fabric softener? Or are adults somehow less conductive?

Amadeus

I want to compose a symphony where the crash cymbal plays on every quarter note throughout the entire piece. Then I want to go to a performance of that and see how long it takes the audience to get up and leave. I will call it Symphony No. 1, "Aggravation."

I will also include some soft, lyrical, beautiful flute and oboe melodic lines, that would be really perfect and touching if it weren't for those constant clanging cymbals drowning them out. Critics will say that it represents the struggle of man to express himself in an ever-accelerating technological world. And the piece will end with the conductor shooting the cymbal player. He will use blanks, of course, but they will make it look convincing, with stage blood and everything. The cymbal player will look up from the floor with an anguished expression, crying out "Why? Why? It was all in the score . . . I was just doing my job, you know that . . . we rehearsed it this way . . . arrrgggh."

And the few people in the audience who have stayed this long will be horrified at first, then awed. They will give the performance a standing ovation. But the one thing they will not say is "encore!"

Not Covered

My car insurance company sent me an amendment to my policy that excludes coverage of damage caused by fungi or nuclear weapons. It reads in part (all caps in original):

THERE IS NO COVERAGE FOR LOSS TO ANY VEHICLE THAT RESULTS FROM:
(1) NUCLEAR RADIATION;
(2) RADIATION OR RADIOACTIVE CONTAMINATION FROM ANY SOURCE; OR
(3) THE ACCIDENTAL OR INTENTIONAL DETONATION OF, OR RELEASE OF RADIATION FROM, ANY NUCLEAR OR RADIOACTIVE DEVICE.

I'm glad they cleared that up. Because in the immediate aftermath of a nuclear strike, I'm sure I would otherwise be thinking, "Wow, rough morning, but I'm sure glad it's all covered by my car insurance!"

Ghostblogging

If there are ghostwriters, will there inevitably be ghostbloggers? How many celebrity blogs will turn out to have been written by someone else?

I expect to see ads like this:

Do you want to blog, but just can't find the time? Does writing about your life make you realize just how boring it really is? Ghostbloggers has the answer. For just $14.95 per month, our professional staff of writers will create a new blog entry for you every day that will make you sound witty and fascinating. Select the level of embellishment that's right for you, from "based on a true story" to "extreme eBlarney (TM)." Join now and get the first week free!

How to Lie in Bed

Imagine a bed in a room, where the top/bottom of the bed is against a wall, and neither side of the bed is against the wall. Which way would you lie down in this bed? It seems to feel right to lie down so that your head is nearest the wall, and it seems backwards or weird to lie down with your feet close to the wall and your head out towards the middle of the room. Why is this?

Cost Per Wearing

A coworker told me that when she thinks about her clothes, she divides the cost by the number of times she has worn the item to get the "cost per wearing," and then she decides whether it was a good deal. I do not think about clothes this way at all.

For example, I rarely wear ties, so in terms of "cost per wearing" I would be better off buying a really cheap tie since I will not wear it often. But I look at it the other way around: a person who wore ties often would need a lot of them, but I can spend my whole "tie budget" on just a few really nice ties. Therefore, I tend to buy expensive ones.

My coworker's model of things strikes me as funny for another reason, too. The more clothes you have, the less often you will wear any one piece. So in terms of "cost per wearing" reasoning, buying a new piece of clothing decreases the value of all the clothes you already own. So it would be counterproductive to buy new clothes.

Welcome to Oregon

Oregonians are known for not wanting more people to move here, no matter how recently they themselves moved to the state. So during times of excellent weather, like we've been having in the last few weeks, true Oregonians worry that visitors might see this weather and decide to move here.

I think this attitude is old-fashioned and silly, so I no longer care whether people move to Oregon. Instead, I just want some of the people here now to leave. Specifically, I want people who run red lights to leave. Leave now. Go ahead, run every red light between here and the border, just don't come back.

Click Click Click

Have you ever noticed how when people use computers on TV shows, they are always perfect typists and everything always works on the first try?

TV version

Big Boss: We need that data now! There's no time to lose!

Nerd: [click-click-click] OK, here is the answer.


Real life version:

Big Boss: We need that data now! There's no time to lose!

Nerd: [click-click-click] Error? What, did I spell it wrong? Hold on. [click-click-click] Oh. Was it -d or -D? Wait. OK, maybe it wasn't in this directory. Where was . . . [click-click-click] I don't have permission? But this worked fine yesterday! What's going on? [click-click-click] I don't get it.

Big Boss: Did you try rebooting?

Nerd: [click-click-click] Not yet. OK I'll reboot. [click-click-click]

Big Boss: Have you got the data yet?

Nerd: Still waiting for it to finish rebooting.

Big Boss: Maybe it's hung. You could try powering down.

Nerd: Give it a few minutes. It looks like it's coming back up . . . OK. What was the data we needed again?

Big Boss: Never mind, it's too late, the bad guys escaped.

Dog on a Hot Tin Woof

At the theater . . .

Announcer: "With the exception of bottled water, no beverages will be allowed in the theater."

Me: "And with the exception of monkeys and small yappy dogs, no pets will be allowed in the theater either."

We saw My Fair Lady, and they played it broad and goofy, which is just how I like it.

And you will know me by the trail of spam

Me: What's your email?
Friend: It's --------@---------------
Me: Ok, I'll send you stuff
Friend: Wait, how will I know it's not spam?
Me: Don't worry, I'll set the subject line to "refinance your home mortgage for low low rates + free viiagr4"

Velenope

"I need a velenope."

"What?"

"A velenope. You know, an envelope. I was going to start talking in anagrams, but I see now it's not carptical."

Numbers of Years

The software industry has a strange practice of seeking employees who have a certain number of years experience with a particular technology. A job posting might require "at least 5 years experience with Java" or something like that. At first glance, this might seem reasonable, but it is actually kind of weird. It is easily possible to continue to do something badly for a very long time, so that adding more years will not add any more value.

For example, I know people with over 5 years experience using a VCR who still cannot set the clock. But they can press play, stop, fast forward, and eject, and that is all that matters to them. I think that even after 10 years experience, these people will still not be able to set the clock.

So I do not want to work on a team with someone with X years of experience with a technology. I want someone with X units of skill with a technology, and the more rapidly they acquired that skill, the better. Of course, skill is harder to measure, which is why the industry falls back on years of experience.

"I don't believe anything, but I have many suspicions."

-- Robert Anton Wilson

Heat Shock

It is ridiculously sunny and warm here in Portland for this time of year. It makes me laugh, because I think about how people who just moved here will think that this is normal. They will be in for quite a shock when Portland turns back into the Devil's Storm-Drain.

My Teammate

I was playing World of Warcraft earlier tonight. I teamed up with a level 2 character for a little while. The other player didn't say anything, and was slower than average in casting spells, but other than that everything was going fine. I figured it must be someone who just started the game, so it was no problem. We killed some monsters and completed a quest. We made a pretty good team. A few minutes later I got a chat message saying something like, "oh, this is funny, you've teamed up with my daughter who is playing, and she is only 6 years old."

I was shocked. When I was 6 years old, I couldn't have even imagined anything like WOW. Besides, back then computers had 1 byte of memory, took up a whole city block, and ran so slow that it was faster (and probably more accurate) to count on your fingers.

Duplicates

Her: We have so many duplicate items.

Me: They're not duplicates, they're backups. What is that thing in the back of your car? A "duplicate tire?" No, it's a spare tire. It's there to save you in an emergency.

[This conversation started because I have 6 pairs of headphones. OK, I guess that's an extreme "backup strategy."]

Iron Monkey's Rule of Lost Items

If it has been missing for more than 2 days, and it costs less than $20, then just buy another one. You probably will never find the original, but if you do, then you will have a spare.

The Ups and Downs

You can melt down, but you can't melt up. You can get fed up, but you can't get fed down. But getting shot up may lead to getting shot down.

Locking something up and locking it down mean the same thing, but knocking someone up and knocking them down are very different. Getting beat up and getting beat down are similar, but standing up and standing down are not.

You can tie something up or tie it down, and those are not opposites. Closing something up is not the opposite of closing it down. You can settle up or settle down, but they are two different things, not opposites.

But when you bring your computer system up and then bring it down, those are opposites. And if you mark something down the opposite is to mark it up.

You can let up and let down, back up and back down, but you only pack up and leave not pack down and leave, give up not give down, and you can bed down even though you can't bed up. You can only open something up and not open it down.

A quarreling couple can make up but not make down (and they can make out but not make in). You can feel mixed up but not feel mixed down. Yet being shaken down can leave you feeling shaken up!

Generally things get fired up or watered down, but not fired down or watered up. You can fill a glass up, but not fill it down. You can show up for work, but not show down for work. You can look someone up, but not look someone down* -- but you can look someone up and down.

English is officially broken -- everyone gets a full refund, plus a free replacement language.

[* One person told me that he thinks "look someone down" is acceptable. To me "she stared him down" sounds fine, but "she looked him down" sounds wrong. Native speakers often disagree about borderline cases like this.]

Haven't Seen It

I found this summary of UK politics on the Background Noise blog:

Labour Backbencher - "Could the Prime Minister please tell the House if he thinks terrorism is bad."
TB –

Labour Backbencher – "Does the Prime Minister think that money for hospitals and schools is a good thing."
TB –

Question of this nature come up all the time, asking the PM to support or condemn something that absolutely anyone would support or condemn. The topics of the questions change but the format doesn’t. Also allows the PM to talk about his policies.

In the U.S., we have a contrasting dynamic where any accusation against the administration is met not with a denial or explanation, but simply with a plea of ignorance. It goes something like this:

Reporter 1: Mr. President, how would you respond to the recent story in the Washington Post claiming that you are an evil robot from the future?

President: Well, I haven't seen the original article, so I can't comment on that.

Reporter 2: Mr. President, an ex-member of your cabinet said that you intend to launch a nuclear attack against Australia next month. Is this true?

President: If you're talking about the book that came out earlier this year, I haven't read it, so you're asking me to comment on something where I don't have all the information. Next question, please.

Adventuring

Lately I've started playing World of Warcraft. I love the look and feel of the world. The only problem with games like this is that they can make real life seem boring. After traveling through monster-infested mountain passes, learning spells, and finally discovering the ancient Dwarven city of Ironforge, going to the grocery store doesn't seem very cool.