What To Get
Her: While I'm up, can I get you anything?
Me: Yeah . . . uh . . . a monkey.
Her: Let me rephrase that, can I get you anything that I reasonably could get?
Me: Well . . . um . . you could make us a pot of that "Monkey-Picked Oolong" tea.
Her: Why, because it was touched by a monkey?
Me: It has "monkey" in the name.
My brother: Slap me.
Me (suspicious): No.
[Note: if my brother wanted to spar, he would probably say something like "want to do some sparring?" Or if he wanted to try out some particular move, he would say "try to slap me." But just saying "slap me" as if he expected it to succeed made me think he was up to something.]
My brother: Come on, I won't hit you back. Slap me.
Me: No, I don't want to.
My brother, turning to my girlfriend: Slap me.
[She slaps him very lightly, almost a pantomime slap.]
My brother: Not like that, really slap me.
[She really slaps him.]
My brother: See?
Me: I don't understand the point of this.
My girlfriend: Hmm. Slapping him was kind of cathartic!
Me: Hey, you've invented a new type of therapy! You should write a book, and go on Oprah.