My new T-Shirt

The Essential
by ironmonkey
Get this custom shirt
at Zazzle

I created this T-Shirt from a photo I took of one of my favorite road signs. The text says:

"The essential is to excite the spectators." - Orson Welles

The Interview

Bob: "So you got new, expensive, fancy shoes. Where are you going to wear them? I mean, I guess you could wear them to an interview for . . . what would you be interviewing for?"

Me: "Galactic Pimp Daddy?"

Quote of the day

[On the way in to the theater to see a play, we pass a sign that says something like, "Warning: tonight's play contains adult themes, sexual situations, and nudity."]

My mom: "Well, as long as there's nudity, I'll see it."

Chair Zoo

"Chair Zoo" is my description for a certain way of decorating a room, where the apparent objective was to fit in as many chairs as possible. Often many different types of chairs are used, adding to the menagerie effect.

It can be awkward to walk through a chair zoo because not enough space remains for comfortable traffic patterns through the room. I like having open space, and I like a room where there is enough space to lie down on the floor and make the "snow angel" motion without hitting anything. My house still has too many chairs, though, and I'm about to get rid of at least one.

Creators of chair zoos often argue that chair zoos are practical because at any moment a huge number of guests could arrive, and they would all need somewhere to sit. But I've found that at parties, most people do not sit anyway. They stand, wander around, and mingle. So the best rooms for parties are ones with a generous amount of unobstructed floor space.

The Cost of Energy

With high oil prices in the news, a certain talking point has gained traction, and it goes something like this: "When conventional energy prices get high enough, it will make alternative energy sources economically viable." This argument astounds me, because it is both literally true and at the same time not very helpful. It is bad news made to sound good. It is much like saying that once the price of a glass of water reaches $100, drinking a glass of Dom Perignon champagne instead will be economically competitive. That's great, except that most of us won't be able to afford either one.

What this talking point really means is, "in the future you might have a choice between expensive alternative energy and expensive conventional energy." That may be good news for the environment (if it results in less pollution and other undesirable side effects), but it is certainly not good economic news.

Sumo with Effects

Sumo, the way it was meant to be seen?

Tiltan's Tale

One misty morning, a clever young bookbinder named Tiltan Stumbledown prowled through the forest hunting for mushrooms, only to encounter the most beautiful young woman he had ever seen, trapped within a dome of shimmering magical energy. She waved at him, or maybe at something behind him. He stepped forward for a closer look.

"At last, someone has come," she said. "I am Aliarru, and you must rescue me!"

Tiltan approached the roiling barrier and sniffed it. Its bright purple color and aroma of fresh-baked bread told him it was Yi-yi Ka'tun, one of the most expensive imported brands of magical energy, worlds apart from the crap produced locally. With cheap local materials, he thought, a magic barrier would disintegrate in the first stiff breeze, or simply collapse from the shame of its inferior workmanship. But this, well, you could really stub your toe on this, couldn't you? Tiltan pictured a large black bear, charging at the barrier in deadly fury and then bouncing back off, and he thought about how hilarious that would look.

A pounding came from within. "Hey! Aren't you going to ask me how I got here, and how to get me out?"

"The first part has something to do with a wizard with a lot of money," Tiltan ventured, "and perhaps some sort of . . . breach of contract? I'm still working on the second part." He glanced around.

"No," she said, "you don't understand! The only weapon that can shatter this barrier, the Three-edged Sword of Meddling, lies far away in Spiral Cave, a place of great peril." Aliarru sighed. "Peril," she said, rubbing her shoulder with one hand. "Peril."

"You keep saying peril," said Tiltan.

"I like the sound of it."

"Oh. I bet you do. Anyway, go on." Tiltan picked up a rounded rock, considered it, then dropped it again.

"You'll have to descend to the bottom of Spiral Cave, where the sword is guarded by a vicious . . ."

"Dragon," said Tiltan, nodding.

"No, what's wrong with you? You believe in dragons?" Aliarru grimaced. "It's a Giant Frog!"

Tiltan chuckled and made frog noises. He picked up a flat, medium-sized rock and looked quite pleased with it.

Aliarru stomped one foot. "Don't take it lightly, it's extremely poisonous! If it even touches you at all, you are completely screwed, alright? First coughing fits, then mild hallucinations and difficulty operating machinery, then headache, then paralysis, coma and death. It is real peril. I mean true, all out, no-limits peril."

"That does sound p- . . . does sound like a nasty beast. This 'Giant Frog' is what, 20 feet tall? 30?"

"You're high right now, aren't you? I knew it. What's the biggest frog you've ever seen?"

Tiltan shrugged and put his hands about a froglength apart.

"Right," said Aliarru patiently. "So it's called a Giant Frog because it's giant for a frog. Like jumbo shrimp, or a giant clam, or an extra large hoodie. It's a frog up to two feet long."

In Tiltan's opinion, a 30-foot frog would have been somewhat more awe-inspiring, and he said so as politely as possible.

"Think about it," she said, "how would a 30-foot frog even get in there? Do you think Spiral Cave is over 30 feet in diameter the whole way? Haven't you ever gone caving?" In fact, Tiltan had indeed gone caving, and part of him suspected that a 30-foot frog could have entered whilst still small and then grown, like those obese people you sometimes hear about who no longer fit through their own front doors. But he chose not to make an issue of it.

Aliarru caught him smiling at the flat rock again, and she made a little snorting sound. She reminded him that no mere rock could shatter the barrier, that only the Three-Edged Sword of Meddling could do so. She explained that though the giant frog was the final guardian, reaching Spiral Cave was no easy task. As she listed out each segment of the journey and its many dangers, Tiltan put down the flat rock and picked up a stick. He walked around and around the barrier and examined it from all angles.

". . . climb up the waterfall and turn left at the twin pillars," she was saying. "Then enter the Swamp of Sorrows to find the amulet in a silver chest."

"Uh huh," said Tiltan. He leaned on the stick for a while.

"Are you paying attention?"

Tiltan nodded.

"What did I just say then? Repeat it back," she said.

Tiltan twirled the stick. "Something something swamp, something something breast."

"Chest!"

"Same thing."

"No it's not! You're not even listening!"

"Look," said Tiltan, "how do you happen to know all this? I mean, what are the odds that you'd know about the one thing that can destroy this barrier, and where to find it, and everything?" Aliarru replied that it was no coincidence, because she had learned these things on good authority from the wizard himself, remember him? The expert on the barrier because he created it?

"So some guy imprisons you, but then he turns around and gives you detailed, step-by-step instructions about what it would take to get out? That seems unlikely. He was just messing with you. Or it's a trap."

"Obviously he was taunting me with the solution, knowing I couldn't use it."

Tiltan looked thoughtful. "That's not a very good taunt, it's more of a clue, or a spoiler. A taunt would be more like: ooooh, look at this delicious cake just outside the barrier, bet ya'd like a taste of that, wouldn' ya?"

"He made a mistake in the heat of the moment," said Aliarru. "It's one of those character flaws. You need to go to Spiral Cave and get the Three-edged Sword of Meddling."

"Does it really have three edges?"

"It really has five, they just didn't want to brag."

"Seriously?"

Aliarru giggled for a long time, and finally said, "no, it's just a mistranslation."

"How many edges does it really have?"

"Zero." She winked at him. "OK, one. I mean it this time, it really has just one edge, and you really have to go and fetch it. Will you?"

"I have a much better idea." He leaned on the stick hard enough to push it into the ground, then laughed and grasped the flat rock again.

Aliarru tensed. "A rock can't shatter the barrier. Say it with me, a rock can't shatter the barrier. It's rated best in its class for rock-proof-ness."

"The barrier only goes down to ground level," said Tiltan. "We dig under, then you crawl out." He began to dig near the barrier using the flat rock.

"What? Dig? That won't . . . you're wasting your time."

After a short while of digging, Tiltan had moved enough dirt to create a roughly Aliarru-sized opening beneath the barrier. She wriggled through it, stood up, and brushed herself off. "Thanks," she said, and started to walk away.

"I imagined you'd be happier to be rescued," said Tiltan. "Happier, more impressed by my cleverness, more grateful, those sorts of things."

Aliarru stopped. "You didn't even try to get the sword. You didn't even make an effort. You just dug a hole."

"If I were on my way to Spiral Cave now," Tiltan said, "you'd still be trapped in that dome. I could be gone for days or weeks, and in the end maybe the frog would poison me after all. This way was quicker and much more reliable."

"Anyone can dig a hole. I could have dug myself out."

"Yes, but you didn't think of it! Most people wouldn't think of it. It's an elegant solution."

"Are you saying I'm not smart?"

"No, no, nothing like that. Just . . . most people wouldn't think of it, that's all."

"It's kind of obvious, actually," she said.

"It's only obvious now because you already know about it."

"I would have thought of it eventually."

"Eventually? You mean after the frog killed me and you had to go to Plan B?"

"No, if you had tried you would have triumphed and gotten the sword, I know it. Probably."

"Wouldn't you rather be free right now than eventually?"

"Of course. I said thanks." She started to walk off again.

"Wait, I just want to ask you one thing. If I had done all that business, and killed the frog, and gotten the sword, and come back and shattered the barrier, then would you have been impressed?"

Aliarru nodded. "In that case, yes, I guess so."

"So even though you got exactly what you wanted you're not impressed, but if only I'd used a worse solution that took much longer and had a high risk of failure, then you would be?"

"I guess so."

"Why?"

"Because anyone can dig a hole."

And so it was that Tiltan learned an important lesson. A valuable act can create a hero, but only if it is also very inconvenient.

Sakura-Con Report

I just posted my full Sakura-Con Report, with even more photos than the ones below, at JLHLS.

The Slants, at Sakuracon 2008

The Slants -- a band from my own home town of Portland, Oregon -- performed at Sakuracon in Seattle. I'll have more to say about the concerts, and the convention in general, later on JLHLS. These are just some photos to tide you over while I get my article organized.



One thing I noticed was that their recorded material sounds like retro-80's synth pop, in fact it reminds me of Duran Duran. But their live show has much more of a hard rock sound.

Update: read my full Sakura-Con Report

Sakuracon 2008 Dance, Part 1

Here are some photos from the rave dance on Saturday night at Sakuracon 2008. I will post more dance images here later.

Also look for my full convention report, coming soon at JLHLS.

I like how the photo above turned out, it looks like a ghost materializing, or someone being teleported in, or maybe like an apparition coming from the mind of the girl sitting on the floor.

This (above) is the guy with the big blue glow bar.

I like the way the same dancer is in this photo twice, on the left and the right side.

I think the other JLHLS photographer got better pictures of this dancer, but I like how the laser beam appears in this one, as if she is holding it.

Update: read my full Sakura-Con Report

Quote of the Day

TV Advertisement: "Some nights, it takes more than a pillow to fall asleep."

My girlfriend: "Yeah, it takes a hammer!"

Sakuracon 2008 Cosplay, Part 1

I went to Sakuracon in Seattle this past weekend, to cover the convention for JLHLS. Here are a few cosplay photos. Look for my full convention report at JLHLS soon. The cosplayers above are dresed as characters from the Soul Calibur video game. They had great costumes and poses.



The costume in the photo above looked amazing. I've seen professional costumes from movies that did not look this good.


I have a lot more photos that I will post later, including concert photos and pictures from the rave.

See also:

• my Sakuracon Xianghua Set at Flickr
• my Sakuracon Cosplay Set at Flickr
• The Slants at Sakuracon
• Dance at Sakuracon

Update: read my full Sakura-Con Report

Get A Grip

Some people seem to be having trouble grasping the credit crisis:

"But the overwhelming majority of homeowners are doing just fine. So how is it that a mess concentrated in one part of the mortgage business — subprime loans — has frozen the credit markets, sent stock markets gyrating, caused the collapse of Bear Stearns, left the economy on the brink of the worst recession in a generation and forced the Federal Reserve to take its boldest action since the Depression?" -- The New York Times

Look at it this way. The overwhelming majority of football players are doing just fine. So how is it that a late score in one football game could ruin so many problem gamblers?

A bad bet on a football game can cost you much more than the price of the ball.

A lot of the money in the economy is riding on bets. They're complicated bets that a lot of people don't understand, but in simple terms, they're just bets.

That shouldn't be so hard to understand.

Pink Unicorn Cocktail

Tonight I invented a new cocktail that I think is one of my best yet: the Pink Unicorn.

Pink Unicorn recipe:

• 1 part coconut juice
• 2 parts Absolut Mandrin vodka
  
• 4 parts watermelon juice
• add a bit of fresh grated Meyer lemon zest
• stir and serve over ice

This drink is delicious, its only possible drawback is that the ingredients and the name are somewhat girly. So I also created a much more masculine, heroic version, called the Pink Unicorn With A Rocket Launcher. The recipe is the same, except add two dashes of bitters.

Oblivion Sigil Stone Mad Dash

I've been playing Oblivion lately, and you have to close Oblivion Gates by getting to the top of these big towers and reaching the Sigil Stone at the top. Up until recently, I had been doing this the obvious way, by fighting my way through each room and level, then healing and repairing my weapons and moving on to the next, until I finally reached the top.

But then I realized something that should have been obvious. All you have to do to close the gate is get that stone at the top, nothing says you actually have to fight anyone! If you're fast enough, you can make a mad dash to the top, dodging and running from all the enemies until you finally tag the stone. They will chase you but they may not catch you. Sometimes you have to jump to get past enemies so they don't block your way, so Acrobatics helps. Athletics and speed enhancements are useful, and some healing potions are also helpful for when an enemy gets in a lucky hit as you swoop past.

You don't get any treasure or skill points on the way if you do this, and it isn't very heroic, but it is super funny, which is reason enough to do it at least once. It's the "Run, Forrest, Run!" strategy for closing a gate.

Bank Invents Time Machine For Losses

The New York Times reports that French bank Société Générale has put their 6.4 billion euro losses behind them, so to speak, by claiming that they occurred in 2007:

In moving the loss from 2008 — when it actually occurred — to 2007, Société Générale has created a furor in accounting circles and raised questions about whether international accounting standards can be consistently applied in the many countries around the world that are converting to the standards. -- The New York Times, March 7, 2008

In related news, though I lost money playing video poker last week, I am revising my statements to show that the events occurred when I was a small boy, and the experience helped
me get through the second grade. Once I perfect the technique, I plan to send my losses even further into the past, so that my distant ancestors can pay them off in goats and stone knives.

Expensive Placebos Are Better

Science Daily reports that expensive placebos work better than cheap ones:

Half the participants were given a brochure describing the pill as a newly-approved pain-killer which cost $2.50 per dose and half were given a brochure describing it as marked down to 10 cents, without saying why.

In the full-price group, 85 percent of subjects experienced a reduction in pain after taking the placebo. In the low-price group, 61 percent said the pain was less.

That settles it. From now on, I'm only using the most expensive, designer brand placebos. None of those cheap ones for me, only the best.

Also, wine tastes better when it costs more, even when it is the exact same wine:

The subjects consistently reported that the more expensive wines tasted better, even when they were actually identical to cheaper wines. [. . .] When subjects were told they were getting a more expensive wine, they observed more activity in a part of the brain known to be involved in our experience of pleasure.

So here's my plan. When I'm at a restaurant, I'll order a bottle of wine, then ask the waiter, "could you please charge me $10 more for it? I want it to taste a little better than normal."

World's Widest Border?

I recently heard about someone's theory that terrorists who "had been in Iraq" then "slipped across the border into Afghanistan." That would have been quite an amazing magic trick, possibly involving that teleportation gun from the video game Portal, since the two countries do not share a border.

A Piece of Rock

I've been pricing kitchen upgrades as part of planning some remodeling. You know what blows my mind? The price of granite countertops. I mean, it's a piece of rock. How can a piece of rock wind up costing more than a plasma TV? More than a computer? More than a pretty nice mountain bike?

It's a piece of frakkin' rock! It's not like it has internet access. It's not like it has complex moving parts. It's not like it has . . . parts. It has a part. It's a rock. A big rock. It's not even carved into something interesting, like the heads at Easter Island, or Michelangelo's David. It's a rectangle. I mean, a really expensive rectangle of rock is just one step above a really expensive dandelion.

Someday, someone will ask me, "Tom, just out of curiosity, what is the most expensive thing in your house?" And I'll have to say, "My bionic appendix, of course!" No, even worse, I'll have to say, "it's that slab of rock in the kitchen." Ugh. No, I won't be able to do it. I'll have to lie. I'll say "it's my genetically-engineered cat, a perfect replica of a cat from 100 million years ago that sat on the beach and ate pterodactyls." And they'll say, "Of course, I thought it had a funny look in its eye."

Explaining

A feature that is very hard to explain can be worse than a bug. At least with a bug, you can fix it and it will go away. But a confusing feature will keep confusing users forever, and you will keep having to explain it over and over again.