Wednesday, June 04, 2003

The Secret to Pleasing Women

Last night my girlfriend called me "the ultimate guy." What did I do to deserve this acclaim? Was it my fast motorcycles, my good looks, my larger-than-average vocabulary? No, my friends, I'll tell you the secret, and on this blog you won't even have to pay $19.95 to find out. She said this because I watched Guys and Dolls with her and totally enjoyed it. You see, the secret to pleasing women is to like musicals.

Now, you guys out there may be thinking, "like musicals? How can I do that? Wouldn't it be a lot easier to just become a rock star or buy a really expensive car?" Well, if you believe in yourself and stick with my patented principles, you'll be there in no time.

Principle 1: Start slow, and go at your own pace

Don't try to be a hero by jumping right into high degree-of-difficulty shows like My Fair Lady or Fiddler on the Roof right off the bat. Start off with something easier for guys to relate to, like Moulin Rouge or Rocky Horror, or even Tommy. Once you gain more experience, you can work up to the harder stuff.

Principle 2: Remember what musicals are really about

You may be surprised to learn this, but musicals actually cover some very guy-friendly themes, such as sex, drugs, and violence. Miss Saigon is about hookers and war. The Music Man is about a con artist trying to hook up with a hot girl. West Side Story is about gangs and sex. The Producers is about con artists, Nazis, and sex with coworkers. Porgy and Bess is about murderers and crazy drug dealers, and Chicago is a girls-in-prison story about killer showgirls. If you think about it, musicals have virtually the same content as gangsta rap, but with different music.

Even the older musicals that seem so proper and square on the surface are really about sex -- lots and lots of sex -- they just tried to hide it barely below the surface to sneak it past the censors. But we all know what the characters are really thinking.

Principle 3: Concentrate on the words

The lyrics to most musicals are insanely clever, like rap songs with actual melodies. If you don't like the melody at first, just say the words to yourself in your head until you appreciate the rhymes and the structure.


Study this secret well; it just might change your life.

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