Bush Arrested In Canada?

Imagine my surprise at seeing this as the top story on Google News: "Canadians Authorities Arrest U.S. President Bush On War Charges." Don't bother looking for it, it is already gone from Google News, which is why I took a screenshot. It was a link to a parody article, but it was good for a momentary shock.

P.F.

I like to tell people that the P.F. in P.F. Chang's stands for "Pablo Francisco," and that it was a successful chain in Mexico before expanding into the U.S. Of course, this is all a fabrication.

One State, Two States, Red States, Blue States

These are our new flags. Please discard your old U.S. flags and use one of these, according to whether you live in a Blue State or a Red State. If we are going to have two Americas, we should have two flags.

On the other hand, if (like me) you are getting sick of hearing about red states and blue states, you can keep using our old flag as a kind of "retro" statement about your belief in a single America.

Maysara

Outside Maysara winery.

Sometimes

"Sometimes Evil drives a minivan." - Desperate Housewives

Give Kids The Crack They Crave

I was sent this picture of a friend's nieces. Apparently in France there is a cereal called Choco Crack. These kids have been dreaming up their own possible cereals, and they suggested one called "Goat Balls: little balls made with chocolate-covered goat cheese." As Dave Barry would say, I swear I am not making any of this up. Actually I like both chocolate and goat cheese, so I would try that.

Mountain Biking San Fierro

Mountain biking below the bridge in San Fierro, in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas.

Bullets vs. Drywall

I heard a report about assault weapons on NPR today. The reporter, obviously trying to play up the menacing nature of assault rifles, said something like, " . . . and these bullets can punch right through drywall and kill someone in the next room!" Drywall? Dude, I can probably put a hole in drywall with my elbow. That's not a good example. If a bullet couldn't go through drywall I would want my money back. Assault rifles are scary, but that is not why.

Sex, and even monsters, sells much better than economics.

-- Comment on the plot of Jason and the Golden Fleece in the TV documentary The Real Jason And The Argonauts.

Later in the same show:

Narrator: "Perched on the Georgian coast, beside the Rhioni river, is the ancient port of Poti."

Me: "Huh? The ancient Port-a-potty?"

When Headline Writers Attack

I just saw one of the silliest headlines ever:

FDA Hard On Viagra Ads

From the Hood to the Woods

Grand Theft Auto is no longer just about city life. In GTA:San Andreas, you can head out into the woods for some off-road driving. But don't try to take your ATV or dirt bike across a section of stream that's too deep. Just like in real life, you will get it stuck there and have a long walk back to the nearest highway.

Skynet In Development

As The New York Times reports, the Pentagon is building Skynet:

The Pentagon is building its own Internet, the military's world wide web for the wars of the future.

The goal is to give all American commanders and troops a moving picture of all foreign enemies and threats - "a God's-eye view" of battle.

This "Internet in the sky," Peter Teets, under secretary of the Air Force, told Congress, would allow "marines in a Humvee, in a faraway land, in the middle of a rainstorm, to open up their laptops, request imagery" from a spy satellite, and "get it downloaded within seconds."

Haven't they seen the Terminator movies? Don't they know this is how the machines take over?

Sponsored Money

One of the last places that sadly lacks advertising is our money, unless you count the back of the one dollar bill as being an ad for the Illuminati. So to raise government revenue and help pay off the deficit, I propose allowing corporate sponsorship of money. For example, Sony could sponsor $1 bills that have a picture of Crash Bandicoot instead of George Washington, and that say In PlayStation We Trust on the back. The pricing scheme would be simple: one dollar per dollar. For a million dollars, a company could get a million of their branded $1 bills into circulation. And people on a limited budget could spring for a few hundred "personal dollars."

Client Quotes

Clientcopia has a collection of funny quotes from clients, including this gem:

Client: (After viewing a sample of a multiple choice question)

Please change the "SUBMIT" button to "DONE".
Submit sounds too kinky.

(via Collision Detection)

Delicato

Delicato wine in the Bota Box is great. I tried their Cabernet Sauvignon. It's not just a case of "oh, I can't believe it's so non-awful for a really cheap wine." It really is good, even though it works out to the equivalent of $4 to $5 a bottle. I found it at Trader Joe's.

Lack of Tango Hurts Your Brain

If you want to lower your risk of Alzheimer's, try tango dancing:

Scientists in York have specifically identified tango dancing as reducing the risk of developing Alzheimer's disease by an astonishing 75 per cent.

In other news, leather jackets reduce your risk of un-cool-ness.

Slinging Rhymes

Thomas P. M. Barnett, who wrote The Pentagon's New Map, is looking for a name for his newsletter. So he posed the question, "know anything that rhymes with blogozine?"

I couldn't resist trying to come up with an answer to that, and I think I've found the perfect rhyme. It may be a little off-topic for his newsletter, but it is memorable. The answer, of course, is "snog a teen."

A Google-search of this phrase found no matches, a result which -- given the nature of the Internet -- I found extremely shocking. It's a sign, it is. Snog A Teen: The Journal of 21st Century Geopolitics.

Whelmed

Today I am feeling whelmed. Not overwhelmed, and not underwhelmed. Instead, I am whelmed just the right amount, like Goldilocks at the moment she tasted that third bowl of porridge. My goal is to remain in this whelmed state as long as possible.

Denmark 3, U.S. 1 (women's soccer)

Abby Wambach is becoming the "Shaq" of women's soccer. In the U.S. vs. Denmark match this weekend, Abby "posted up" just outside the 6 yard box. Then when Ally Wagner beat two defenders and crossed the ball in the air, one of Denmark's defenders jumped up to try to body-check Abby off the ball. The defender bounced off ineffectually like a rubber ball hitting a brick wall, while Abby calmly headed the ball into the net to tie the game.

And that brings me to my point: the future of women's soccer will be a game that is more physical. I don't mean "physical" in the sportscaster sense of "committing bad fouls," I just mean that size and strength will play as big a role as speed and fancy footwork. The U.S. will find it harder to succeed, not because they have gotten worse but because the rest of the world has caught up. With many of the traditional U.S. stars headed for retirement, the U.S. will need to rely on players like Abby Wambach, Ally Wagner, and Cat Reddick, and they will have to play tough. This weekend, they proved that they can.

The U.S. lost, 3-1, but the game seemed more even than the score. On a better day, Luckenbill might have saved the first goal, and the U.S. might have converted another chance.

Extreme Unicycling

Way back in the day, I rode a unicycle in the driveway, in parking lots, and even on the street. But back then we didn't have extreme off-road unicycling. (via Struggleville)

Guess The Missing Words

Guess the missing words from this ad copy:

"When twilight falls, prowl the night with the mysterious ------. Shrouded in the mystery is a passion that will only reveal itself as you slide it open. Its sublime form is exquisitely crafted, leaving you with a slim, sleek object of beauty, unmatched by any other. You and the -----, a combination that's as compelling as the night. "

Any guesses? The answer is here.

Removing the mouse ball can lead to hilarity. (at Deviant Dawl)

Rule of the Rails

Iron Monkey's Rule of the Rails: A train is just a big elevator that goes sideways.

(Early this morning while I was sleeping, this thought came into my head, and in my dreamlike state I thought it was the most profound thing I have ever discovered. Now that I am awake, it does not seem quite so useful.)

Bacon Flavored Tennis Balls

From the people who brought you Broccoli Flavored Basketballs.

Warmth

If the opposite of warm is cold, what is the opposite of warmth? Coldth? Coolth? Chillth?