What I Learned About Driving

1. You know those Jeep commercials? The ones where people drive off-road into some crazy scenic wilderness to find Real Manly Adventure? Well it's all true, Jeeps can do that just fine. Just not on the stock tires.
2. I had the stock tires. For some reason I was smart enough to put off-road tires on my previous Jeep, but not on this one. "It'll be fine," I thought. "How bad can it be? I'm sure these will work."
3. When you're in the outdoors and you find yourself saying "it'll be fine, how bad can it be?" this is basically the same thing as when a character in a horror movie says, "hold on, I'll just go outside and see what that noise was."
4. When a light on your instrument panel comes on, and the icon has a big exclamation point on it, this is not a good sign (!). It would be bad enough if this happened on a main highway, but it is even worse when it occurs deep within sasquatch-occupied territory in the middle of nowhere.
   
5. In fact, I came to realize that even the exclamation point is a bit too subtle. I would personally redesign that indicator to be a flashing light in the shape of a hand extending the middle finger. And it should play a loud sound effect that begins with demonic laughter "muahahahaha!" followed by that quote from the Aliens movie where the guy says "That's it man, game over man, game over!"
   
6. What that light means is that one of the razor-sharp rocks you just drove over punctured your tire and gave you a flat. Or in my case, two flat tires. You see, the stock tires give you a nice comfy ride on the freeway, but off-road they transform into 4 tire-shaped pinatas, and mountain rocks become thousands of hyperactive kids with sticks, gleefully giving them a savage beating.
7. You know those fix-a-flat cans, that promise to reinflate your tire and seal the hole with special goop too? They might work in other situations, but when the tire hole is the size of a chipmunk, they are mainly useful as comic relief.
8. After you finally make it back to the main road, when someone asks you what happened, a funny thing to say is, "I hit a sasquatch."