Roses In My Garden

Two Views Of An Iris In My Garden

Your Tips Help Pay For Jedi Training

I saw this sign on the tip jar at the coffee stand at Multnomah Falls. It says, "Your Tips Help Pay For: Kathy - Rent/College; Dan - Jeep parts; Jared - Finding a Girlfriend; Laura - Private Jet; Hunter - Jedi training; Carolyn - New Car; Spencer - The ladies!; Anselmo - Kollege; Jon - New Puppy; Thanks a latte! Bri - first car so my parents don't have to drive me to work!"



It was warm in the Columbia Gorge yesterday, and it was even 72 degrees at Timberline Lodge on Mt. Hood! Stranger still, the thermometer on my well-shaded front porch registered 93.6 degrees earlier today. That is quite a heat wave for May in Portland, not that I'm complaining.

Dueling Telescopy

At Crown Point, in the Columbia River Gorge, Oregon.

Fringed Tulip

I wondered how to make this picture work, and I eventually decided on black and white for a Mapplethorpe-ish effect. Color did not work because the real colors are too odd. My digital camera does not like to deal with magenta on a bright green background.

Wisteria at Erath Winery

We have some friends visiting from Chicago, so today we took them out to some of the Willamette Valley wineries. We went to Domaine Serene, Domaine Drouhin, Maresh Red Barn, and ended the day at Erath, where we saw this large, fragrant wisteria. We had lunch at a table beneath the trellis.

My girlfriend tried to open a thick plastic container with a plastic knife. I reached into my pocket to get out a real knife, but amazingly she managed to cut through the plastic with the plastic knife. We were all impressed, and decided that her special title for this trip would be Plastic Knife Ninja.

Though swarming crowds will overrun the wine country later during Memorial Day weekend, today was fairly calm, with light traffic. It was a great sunny Oregon day.

The 100,000th Hit-iversary

My hit counter just ticked past 100,000 today. I never thought my blog would get this many hits. Don't worry, I haven't gotten full of myself. I realize that probably 90,000 of those hits are from people Google-searching on crazy nonsense like "how to have sex with monkey." But still, it is a fun number. Even 10,000 sounds like a lot. When I was a teenager, if I wrote a newsletter and 20 people read it I thought that was pretty cool. So even 1,000 feels like a lot. Really, if just one person reads it and enjoys it that is enough for me.

Ducking Skills

When a motorcycle comes flying towards your head, you have to duck quickly.

Flower Pr0n Links

Purple, gold, yellow, closeup, arcs, pink, white, alien, bud, rose, hibiscus, delicate, delicate2, gift, triplets.

Sidewalk Prom Invitation

Seen in Hermosa Beach, CA.

Garden Photos

A Spam I Got

> is it me you looking for?
> Hope I am not writing to wrong address.
> I am niace, pretty looking gairl.

Wow, awesome. I like gairls. Especially niace pretty looking ones whose brains aren't all full of modern nonsense like spelling skills, so they can concentrate on what's really important, like propositioning strangers.

> I ama planning on visiting your town this month.

And you're so excited about meeting me, you can't remember the name of my town, so you just have to call it my town. That's cute. Now I know you must really like me.

> From: Anibal
> To: [my email], [another guy's email]

Wow, Anibal, you want to meet both of us. And you're coming to both of our towns, even though he lives on another continent. You're a real world traveler! This keeps getting better.

> Can we meet each other in person?

Are you sure you don't want to meet my stunt double first? I think it is he you looking for.

Hips Don't Lie

And I'm on tonight
You know my hips don't lie
And I'm starting to feel it's right
All the attraction, the tension
Don't you see baby, this is perfection

-- Shakira, "Hips Don't Lie"

I was listening to this Shakira song, and I started thinking about the lyrics. Your hips don't lie? But wait a minute, whose hips do lie? How do they lie? About what? I don't understand.

Lara Croft Bristo?

The Japanese level of Tomb Raider: Legend feels heavily influenced by Alias. In this level Lara abandons dusty tombs for high-rise buildings and stlyish nightclubs. Change the character model a little, mention "Rambaldi artifacts" instead of just "artifacts," and this level could pass for a demo of a new Alias video game.

I've also noticed some obvious product placements in the game. Everyone seems to drive Jeeps, and the vehicles are carefully "posed" like a shot from a Jeep commercial. I drive a Jeep myself and have been a proud Jeep owner for more than a decade, but even to me these product placements feel artificial.

Tomb Raider: Legend is fun though, and the game really benefits from the improved graphics of the Xbox 360. In a game about exploration and discovery, it helps when the new areas you discover look incredibly detailed and great -- it makes it more rewarding.

Sassy's Playlist

Sassy Little Punkin posted a playlist of what she's been listening to. I was able to find some of these songs on eMusic. I liked Architecture in Helsinki, Blondfire, and Ivy.

Lara Is Back

I got Tomb Raider: Legend for the Xbox 360 and have started through it. I like the way the environments look. The controls are good, the exploration and puzzles remind me of why I liked the very first Tomb Raider game so much. So far the only complaint I have is that the motorcycle-riding level is pretty bad, but at least it is short. Lara Croft has a new look that makes her look more like Angelina Jolie in the TR movies.

Callaloo Restaurant

It felt like summer had come early to Portland this year at Callaloo's opening party on April 6. This Caribbean-themed restaurant has a tropical atmosphere and great food. I started with conch fritters and a tropical fruit salad, which contained mango, papaya, avocado, jicama and sapote. The cocktail menu features a wide variety of drinks, but I especially liked the Painkiller (rum, coconut, pineapple, orange, and nutmeg). Then I tried the callaloo stew. This is a gumbo made with crab, callaloo, pumpkin, okra, coconut milk and spices. It was peppery and spicy in a pleasant way.

I very rarely eat red meat, but for this occasion I had the hangar steak as a main course. This came with grilled scallions, onions, and sweet potato. I finished with a "Piranha," which is a Coke with vodka and chocolate flavoring -- it tastes kind of like a cola truffle.

Callaloo is owned by Kevin and Colleen Peck, who are also responsible for the Capitol Coffeehouse and Bistro. I like both restaurants for a lot of the same reasons: they have high quality food with a creative menu and a fun, relaxed atmosphere.

Callaloo is located at 1639 NW Glisan in Portland, OR.

Operation Fresh Croissant

MORE than 3500 people have been arrested and hundreds of riot police injured in two months of mass street protests against the French Government's contested jobs law, police said.

Police have made 3682 arrests since March 7, the first of five days of mass street demonstrations, including 634 yesterday, when more than a million people - three million, according to unions - took to the streets.

-- The Daily Telegraph

The shocking events of recent weeks have shown the world that France is in the grip of a growing insurgency, one that is more and more willing to resort to violence. We know that today France possesses weapons of mass destruction. And history teaches us that France has used chemical weapons against nearby countries in the past, such as during World War I. If these insurgents gain control of France's weapons stockpiles, they could pose a terrifying and imminent threat to the entire region.

This threat has not materialized yet, but it is a danger that grows with each passing day, and so we cannot afford to sit idly by while the insurgency gains power and strength, and gets closer and closer to being able to unleash a devastating attack that could cost millions of innocent lives.

Many of the insurgents claim to be only students. But let us not forget that in Afghanistan, the Taliban were also a "student" organization. In fact the term "Taliban" is derived from an Arabic word meaning "students." So to avoid confusion, let's just refer to the students and union workers who are behind this uprising as the "French Taliban."

To simply back down in the face of the insurgency, to "cut and run" if you will, would only embolden the French Taliban to think that they can continue to use violence to pursue their goals, and continue to defy the wishes of the international community.

This is why I have authorized Operation Fresh Croissant, in which American troops will occupy France to restore order, and to safeguard the French weapons of mass destruction. Once the French Taliban is disrupted and peace is restored, it is our hope that we can assist the French in creating a new constitution and eventually holding elections.

It may be a long road ahead. After all, Europeans are a violent people who have been fighting each other for many hundreds of years. We can't expect to step in and create a stable civilization overnight. New York wasn't built in a day, and neither will Paris or Rome be. But I feel confident that the majority of the French will welcome us as liberators.


[Note: Of course, this article is a joke. I like France, and hope to visit there again some day.]

p.s. "This is the police. The spam is coming from inside the house! Get out now!"

Even More Sakuracon 2006 Cosplay

I wound up with so much material from Sakuracon that I could probably write a 100-page nonfiction book about it if I had the time. I can't do that, but I will put up some more pictures here that didn't make it into my main Sakuracon article.

Wrath

Costume of the character Wrath from the anime Full Metal Alchemist, at Sakuracon 2006.

Sakuracon 2006 Article and Interview

My article on Sakuracon 2006 is up at JLHLS, along with an interview with Michael "Piano Squall" Gluck.

Sakuracon 2006, Part 5

Cosplayers as Sonic and Tails at Sakuracon 2006.

Sakuracon 2006, Part 4: "Club Sakura"

On Saturday night at Sakuracon, one of the convention halls turned into a nightclub and became "Club Sakura." This photo shows dancers wearing glowsticks, dancing to the J-Rock music. I felt this room before I was close enough to see it, because so many people were jumping up and down that it shook the whole 6th floor, even in other parts of the building. It felt like an earthquake.

(Read my full report on Sakuracon 2006 at JLHLS)

More pictures:

Sakuracon 2006, Part 3

I thought this costume was beautiful. This cosplayer told me it was an original design, not based on any anime character. I tried my best to capture it, but I don't think the photo can really convey how cool this is. The shoulders and sleeves are just amazing -- a very nice design. She was sitting at a table, not seeking a photo op, but the costume caught my eye from across the room.

(Read my full report on Sakuracon 2006 at JLHLS)

Sakuracon 2006, Part 2

Another teaser photo from Sakuracon. Sakura means cherry blossom in Japanese, and the blossoms can be seen in the background of this photo. Seattle has been having surprisingly good weather during this convention.

One convention tip I'd like to pass on is that the food at the sidewalk crepe vendor just outside the convention center is quick and delicious.

Sakuracon 2006

I'm in Seattle covering the Sakuracon anime convention for the Journal of the Lincoln Heights Literary Society, where I review anime and manga.

(Read my full report on Sakuracon 2006 at JLHLS)

The One Tip That Rules Them All

An article called My Top Ten Tips on how to become a Rock Star Programmer has been circulating on the net. It is probably well-intentioned, but I'm afraid it misses the mark.

How to be a Rock Star Babysitter

Let's start with the title. There is no such thing as a "Rock Star Programmer," so if you want to become one, you already have problems that reading a blog post can't fix. Rock stars get sex, drugs, parties, limousines, fame, glory, dates with supermodels, and Rolling Stone covers. Good programmers get . . . uh . . . fewer compiler errors. Or fewer runtime errors, depending on which language you're using. So let's not pretend that "Rock Star Programmer" makes any more sense than "lighter-than-air paperweight" or "Rock Star Babysitter."

Tips 1, 2, and 3 advise using a fast machine, a big monitor, and all the features of your IDE. This is like telling people to become better guitar players by buying a more expensive amp and turning the volume up to 11.

Tip 4 says not to learn APIs too well because they might change. This is like telling a musician not to learn a scale "too well" because the next song might be in a different key.

Tip 7 says to "go back and enhance your old code" because "you learn oodles of things reading your own crap, which old code always is." Sorry, but you don't learn how to write good code from reading your own bad code, you only learn why bad code is so aggravating.

Tip 8 says to eat your own dog food, and write something using your own API. This is decent advice, but just like tip 7, you won't learn how to write good code by using your own bad code, you will only learn why your own bad code is just as hard to use as it is to maintain.

This list overlooks the one obvious tip, the one tip that rules them all and in the darkness binds them.

The One Tip That Rules Them All

You don't learn about good code by studying bad code. You learn about good code by studying good code.

• Reading bad code won't teach you about good code
• Writing bad code won't teach you about good code
• Using bad code won't teach you about good code
• Compiling bad code faster with a faster machine won't teach you about good code
• Seeing more bad code on the screen at once with a bigger monitor won't teach you about good code
• Writing bad code faster with IDE shortcuts won't teach you about good code
• Performance testing bad code won't teach you about good code

The best way to improve is to study code that is better than your own. Read good code written by experts, in a variety of programming languages. Study it until you understand how it works and what makes it good. That's it. That's the one tip. Oh yeah, and also take the money you would have spent on a faster machine and a bigger monitor and send it to me.

Impostors

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, 'Do I know you?'

-- Stephen Wright

But life does imitate art. BPS Research Digest reports:

Capgras syndrome in which the patient believes their friends and relatives have been replaced by impersonators was first described in 1923 by the French psychiatrist J.M.J. Capgras in a paper with J. Reboul-Lachaux.

Now Alireza Nejad and Khatereh Toofani at the Beheshti Hospital in Iran have reported an extremely rare variant of Capgras syndrome in which a 55-year-old woman with epilepsy believes her possessions have all been replaced by substitute objects that don’t belong to her. When she buys something new, she immediately feels that it has been replaced.

The poor woman is living inside a Stephen Wright joke. I dread the day when someone replaces all my blog postings with exact duplicates.

Portland Anti-war Rally, Part 5

These demonstrators were dressed like Abu Ghraib prisoners.

Cheerleaders at Portland Anti-war Rally

These cheerleaders were organized and had a great sense of humor. They performed a variety of anti-war protest cheers.

Trashy Chicks for Peace

I thought "trashy chicks for peace" was one of the funniest signs at the anti-war rally in Portland today.

Portland Police at anti-war rally

Though the Portland police do make mistakes sometimes, it annoys me that we only seem to hear about them when something goes wrong, and we don't hear about the good job they do most of the time. At today's protest, the police were relaxed and professional. I heard them talk to people in the crowd in a friendly way. A few protesters seemed to be trying to provoke the police by walking through their group in a way that was not violent or illegal, but was rude and somewhat odd. The police did not react. I saw nothing but professional, reasonable conduct from the police downtown.

Portland Anti-war Rally, Part 1

Thousands of people took to the streets in downtown Portland today to protest the war in Iraq. One of the funniest things I saw was when a pair of skateboarders stood on the sidewalk, pounded the ground with their boards and chanted "We're in the wrong gulf!" They meant that more American troops should have been in the Gulf of Mexico to assist with the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, rather than being in the Persian Gulf. But most people did not understand their slogan at all. It seemed that most protesters mistook them for a pro-war counter-protest, and gave them dirty looks. The skateboarders grew frustrated, and said, "ask us if you don't understand!" Then they pounded the ground more vigorously and said, "This is how you f***ing protest, you gotta get mad!"

Just Believe In Yourself, Except When You're Wrong

I recently watched the Lindsay Lohan movie Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen on TV. Like a lot of Hollywood movies, it has a message that goes something like: "just believe in yourself, no matter what anyone else says, and eventually you'll triumph." That is a sweet sentiment, but in many ways it is often bad advice. For example, when everyone else begs you to stop working on your perpetual motion machine and do something useful for a change, maybe you should listen. Only paying attention to one's own ideas and ignoring all feedback from the outside world is a bad strategy.

In the recent American Idol open auditions, many of the first-round rejects walked away saying that the judges were completely wrong. They vowed to keep following their dreams and become pop stars. For a tone-deaf singer, this is just a terrible waste of their time. The sooner they quit singing and find something else they are more suited to, the better.

Footballers' Wives

OK, I'm counting on my British readers to explain this to me. Is Footballers' Wives only funny to me because I'm an American, or is it funny to you too? What I mean is, the show seems to focus on the sort of things that Americans find funny about British people. I imagine it must be similar for you to watch Baywatch or Seinfeld or Dallas, and laugh at Americans. BBC America is showing this here, and I think it's hilarious, but I can't quite explain why. The same plot in an American show would be boring.

My Favorite Podcasts

My current favorite podcasts:

• Delta Park Project
  
• Cinecast
  
• Geneon's Anime Trailers
• I Read Comics
• Next Big Hit
• Battlestar Galactica
• Dawn and Drew
• Lost
• Video Game Outsiders
• The Leonard Lopate Show
• X-Play Video Game Reviews
• The Combat Information Center
  
• Twitch Asylum Video Game Radio
  

Alert Level

The International Earth-Destruction Advisory Board currently rates the Earth Destruction Alert level at "Green: Current Earth Status: Not Destroyed."

They also have a helpful guide to how to destroy the Earth.

Just Like A Dead Weight

I was listening to the SXSW episode of The Next Big Hit, and I found this song called "Safety Net" by Twin-A.

how's it gonna be
when I'm not there to catch you
catch you when you fall the way you do
when you hit the ground
just like a dead weight
you know exactly how it feels to be with you

Wow, those are some of the meanest, bitterest lyrics I've heard in a long time, and because of that the song makes me laugh and I kind of like it. It's like a male version of Alanis Morissette's You Oughta Know.

Monkeyful

Not sure what to buy for me as a present? I'll take the Monkey Full Bedskirt. With a name like that, you know it means quality.

Frontin'

Someone I know, who does not want to be identified in this post, was explaining to me that her new purchases were great because they looked much more expensive than they actually were. I said, "That's frontin'." She said, "What's frontin'?" I had to explain it.

I was shocked to discover that I knew someone who did not know what frontin' meant. That doesn't seem like super obscure slang. In fact, I thought it had reached the status of slang Esperanto -- which is slang so common that even middle-class white people (like me) use it without any intention of self-mockery.

Games Explained

Video games are under attack again. People are worried that 25 to Life encourages kids to kill cops, and Getting Up encourages vandalism. Sure, that is what video games do: they instruct people to literally imitate whatever is in the game. Frogger makes kids play in traffic, Super Mario Brothers tells them to experiment with magic mushrooms, and Pokemon teaches them to capture a bunch of small animals and force them to fight each other.

More traditional games have the same problems. Chess encourages people to attack kings and queens. Bridge teaches people that spades are more valuable than diamonds -- obviously a crazy, warped system of values. Mouse Trap urges people to rely on unnecessarily complex and unreliable devices.

Games work this way because all art works this way. People who sit around "interpreting" art are just wasting their time, because there is only one interpretation. Art is nothing more than a literal instruction manual for how children should live their lives by precisely imitating everything depicted. Shakespeare's plays teach kids to get into swordfights, kill their lovers, disrespect their parents, commit suicide, invade France, and take misleading advice from witches. And when kids walk into an art museum and see an oil painting of the crucifixion, that is just encouraging them to go around nailing people to crosses. If they happen to see a Jackson Pollock painting, that teaches them to spill things.

The only reasonable video games would be about what kids should do in real life. "Timmy, did you finish the game yet?" "Well, I got through the cleaning your room level, the doing your homework level, and the lawn mowing level, but now I'm stuck on the eating broccoli level. I need to get the hint book."

The following titles will be coming soon for Playstation and Xbox:

• Good Night's Sleep
• Refraining From Jaywalking: Legend of the Cautious Pedestrian
• Picking Up Litter Tactics
• Wash Grandma's Car
• Sit Still and Study