1st Place (Middle School Level): "Life Doesn't Come From Non-Life"
Patricia Lewis (grade 8) did an experiment to see if life can evolve from non-life. Patricia placed all the non-living ingredients of life - carbon (a charcoal briquet), purified water, and assorted minerals (a multi-vitamin) - into a sealed glass jar. The jar was left undisturbed, being exposed only to sunlight, for three weeks. (Patricia also prayed to God not to do anything miraculous during the course of the experiment, so as not to disqualify the findings.) No life evolved. This shows that life cannot come from non-life through natural processes.
Uh, yeah. But I can top that:
First I threw a brick into the air, and it did not fly, thus proving that heavier-than-air flight is impossible.
Then I told my cat to jump up in the air, and even though I waited 5 minutes, it just sat there, proving that cats are deaf. (During this experiment, I also prayed to God not to miraculously levitate the cat. He didn't, proving God is not deaf.)
Then I told my girlfriend a joke, and it took her 5 seconds to laugh, thus proving that the speed of sound is 6 inches per second.
Then I wrote a letter to Jennifer Garner and asked her out on a date. I never heard back from her, which proves that she is either illiterate or a lesbian, or perhaps both. (Not that there is anything wrong with either one -- well, maybe the first one.)
Finally, I drank twelve shots of bourbon, but I don't remember much after the ninth one, proving that the tenth shot causes time travel into the future.