Sunday, June 05, 2005

Iraqi Insurgents Admit Mishandling Of Sports Illustrated

After an exhaustive internal investigation, a group of Iraqi insurgents admitted that on several occasions copies of Sports Illustrated were "mishandled" within view of American prisoners. In one case, an insurgent stomped on the magazine while denouncing Major League Baseball as "a joke because of steroid-using cheaters." In another incident, a witness reported that an insurgent tore up a SI cover featuring race driver Danica Patrick in front of prisoners, telling them that allowing women to drive in the Indianapolis 500 (or indeed, anywhere) was an abomination.

A spokesman for the insurgent group insisted that these incidents were unauthorized and regrettable. "Look," he said, "our goal is to kill Americans and drive them from our lands, but cultural insensitivity . . . that is not our way. It gives our movement a bad name." The same leader promised to provide better instruction for insurgents on the importance of baseball and auto racing in American culture.

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