Wednesday, June 08, 2005


I think the rules of all major sports should be changed so that it will be a penalty against the home team if, during the singing of the national anthem before the game, the singer at any point improvises his or her own melody to the song. In the case of the U.S. national anthem, it will also count as a penalty to prolong the words "free" or "the brave" for more than 5 seconds. The penalties will be assessed according to sport as follows:

  • Baseball: the first visiting batter gets to hit off of a tee
  • American Football: 15 yard penalty on kickoff
  • Soccer: the home team captain gets a yellow card, and all players on the home team get a "wedgie"
  • Basketball: double technical foul
  • Hockey: theoretically a two minute penalty (if this sport still existed)
  • Auto racing: the driver who lives geographically closest to the singer gets his or her tires slashed right before the start
  • Cheerleading: home team must remove all makeup and glitter
  • Gymnastics: home team must use butter instead of chalk
  • Ice Skating: competitors from the home country or club must skate to the song A Horse With No Name instead of their planned music
  • Beach Volleyball: 1 point penalty, plus home team must wear very nerdy clear glasses instead of their cool sunglasses
  • Track and Field: home team must wear high heels


Peter said...

You got that right about the "free" and "brave." To me it sort of foreshadows instant replay. Thanks for a great and prolonged laugh...

Justin said...

I think that the hockey one is clearly the best and I could not stop laughing