"What are you doing . . . shots of olive oil?" (on seeing shot glasses full of a golden liquid that was actually whiskey)
"I lie up about my age, because if I say I'm 50, then people are like, oooohh, that bitch is hot for 50!"
"Looks like you owe $138.45, plus tax, plus convenience fee, plus handling charge, plus chopstick rental, plus wasabi tax, plus chair lease, plus security background check fee, plus translation fee for converting part of the menu into English." (After eating sushi)
"I'm tired of this velveeta-like fondue." "You mean the fondeeta?" "Fondeeta . . . that sounds like a cheesy dominatrix."
"You want a boat? What would you do with a boat?" "What kind of stupid question is that? What do you mean what would I do with a boat?" "Well, what would you do with a boat?" "Take it out to a lake and sit in it." "So, then a boat is just a floating couch!" "What would you do with a boat?" "Sink it! Look, after a few weeks, you'll be so bored of it, you'll pay someone to haul it away!" "Yeah, even though I have 64 payments left."
"Now that would be fun to see . . . a stripper clown."
"After a few drinks I speak foreign languages better." "Yeah, I know what you mean. When I've been drinking I speak fluent gibberish!"
"Are you going to have a bachelor party?" "Why would I need a bachelor party? For me, every day is a bachelor party!"
"So then he walked in with his . . . trophy acquaintance."
"I don't like it when people call their significant other their partner." "OK, then let's call what we have a coalition of the willing."
"Do you have anything I can open this package with?" "Well, I have a weed-eater!"
(See also the Summer Drink Recipe)
Next series: Fall Party Quotes.