Tuesday, May 13, 2003

Bush calls for "War on Tornadoes"

Touring the scene of areas devastated by tornado attacks, President Bush called Tuesday for the nation to launch a "War on Tornadoes."

"This great country will not sit idly by while Weather of Mass Destruction roams freely through our skies", said Bush. "These funnel clouds shatter steel, but they cannot dent the steel of American resolve. We will hunt down these evil tornadoes and bring them to justice." When asked why the tornadoes chose to attack parts of Kentucky, the President replied, "because they hate freedom."

Bush went on to suggest a link between the tornadoes and other evil weather groups including late spring frost and "really, really big hailstones." The administration's meteorology experts continue to search for proof of the connection, which presently is only circumstantial.

Polls showed that 64% of Americans would be willing to give up some of their Constitutional rights if it could help prevent tornadoes. "Like slavery," said one tornado victim, "if it could stop these tornado attacks, I'd gladly give up my right to own slaves!" Informed by reporters that slavery had long ago been abolished by the Thirteenth Amendment, the citizen replied, "oh yeah, that's right."

Pressed for details on how tornado prevention would actually work, Bush acknowledged that it would focus on tax cuts for the rich.

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