Tuesday, May 20, 2003

Reverse Midlife Crisis

Now that I've had my big wipeout, I think it's about time to start my Reverse Midlife Crisis. A reverse midlife crisis occurs when one becomes aware of an undeniable desire for a life that is more boring and predictable. My life has included skiing, snowboarding, skateboarding, rock climbing, windsurfing, kayaking, on- and off-road motorcycling, and traveling to foreign countries. It would have made a good action movie, if only I had been chased the whole time by ninjas who wanted my mystical amulet. I have been like a secret agent for a country that exists only in my imagination and has an extremely low GNP.

But what if I want more: the kind of more that is less? What if I want to drink warm milk while salivating over ads for minivans? What if I've been cheating myself with this "direct experience" stuff and missed out on life's best vicarious thrills?

I could take some time to "find myself" by reading my blog's referrer logs. I could send my inner child to day care, or even boarding school. I could get tattoos with flesh-colored ink, so only I would know they were there. I could grow small dandelions in cute little bonsai pots, pruning them carefully every day to make sure they retain their ideal shape. I could learn to make needlepoint pictures of Monica Lewinsky.

There's only one problem with my reverse midlife crisis phase. I know it won't last.

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