Flower Pr0n, All Wet

I've been struggling to photograph these roses for a long time. They look pretty in reality, but pictures of them rarely look as good. I wonder if the people who photograph regular pr0n (as opposed to flower pr0n) have this problem. I wonder if they have to say, "Sorry, you look incredibly hot in real life, but it just doesn't come across well in pictures."

It rained last night, and some rain water was still trapped in the roses. I thought that might make the rose more photogenic than usual. Then I got to thinking about how much I've liked some of Peter's tall, narrow photos, and I decided to try a similar aspect ratio.

I used GIMP to play with the color curves and make the background darker. It's still far from perfect, but finally, I think I have a picture of this rose that is OK. I'm not sure why it's so hard to get a good one, though. Maybe my digital camera has some weakness with this particular shade of red.

Oh, and one final question: is flower pr0n considered even more hard-core if it has bees in it?

Crash

If you came here looking for the story of my motorcycle accident, it is here and here. I haven't talked about this in a long time because I've basically forgotten about it. I have recovered nearly 100%. I occasionally feel a relative lack of flexibility in my right thumb, and a relative weakness in my left ankle compared to my right, but it is only a slight difference. It does not make any difference in my daily life.

If you have been unlucky enough to be in a serious motorcycle accident, my advice would be to make sure you get physical therapy. Do not neglect this, it works.

And if you ride a motorcyle, I would really encourage you to wear a full-face helmet. In a high-speed crash you are likely to tumble (I know I did) and when you tumble, every other time you hit, you land face down. Because I wore a full-face helmet, I sustained no damage to any part of my head.

Details

The other day, I jokingly threatened my girlfriend with a spanking.

"Oh," she said, "that reminds me of something that happened at the office!"

That was not the type of reply I expected. For a moment I pictured something out of the movie Secretary. But she is a lawyer, so she was just talking about a detail from one of her cases.

Day Lily 2

Flower Pr0n, day lily edition, part 2.

Day Lily 1

Flower Pr0n, day lily edition.

The grass is sometimes greener in your own yard

I have not watered my lawn yet this year, but it still looks like this. That shows just how wet Portland has been. I'm starting to think that Summer has finally arrived, though.

Hydrangea 2

Another Hydrangea

Hydrangea

Hydrangea in my garden. This is an unmodified image; the color balance and contrast resulted from taking the picture at dusk.

Punkin Enters The Matrix

It looks like Punkin has entered The Matrix in this picture. Very cool.

Evil Overlord Guide

This list of The Top 100 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord is really funny. Here are my favorites:

15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.

98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.

The Arms

My brother works as a counselor for troubled teens and pre-teens. The precise nature of the "trouble" varies a lot. It has been as mild as truancy, or as serious as arson or armed robbery. Anyway, he recently started doing in-home visits with the families, and he told me this story.

He went to see one family, and the mother had huge tattoos all over her upper arms. She told him something like, "I just had these done, and they still kind of hurt." My brother tried to casually look at the tattoos to see what they were, but without seeming like he was staring. He was surprised to see that covering one of her arms she had a picture of a naked woman with enormous breasts. And he could not quite tell what the other tattoo was, because her shirt was in the way. So he asked her, "uh, so, what do those tattoos represent?"

She said, "Oh, you know, it's hard to explain, it's like the Yin and Yang!"

I'm guessing the naked woman would have to be the Yin. I wish he had found out what the Yang picture was, though, because now I'm curious.

Gardenia

This potted gardenia is the newest addition to my deck.

Flag-Drowning Is The New Flag-Burning

We hear so much about flag burning, that I'm afraid we may lose track of the equally important problems of flag drowning, flag choking, and flag boiling. Luckily, the U.S. House passed a bill that is not limited to just flag burning, but states, "The Congress shall have power to prohibit the physical desecration of the flag of the United States."

But I'm afraid that limiting it to cover physical desecration is just too narrow. What about emotional desecration? What about insulting the flag verbally, or sneering at it? These should be prohibited too. And what about non-physical flags? Can we afford to sit idly by while people make 3D-rendered movies in which virtual flags are consumed by texture-mapped flame-shaped polygons? I think not.

Some people have already planned out how to "crack" this law by burning things that only resemble the flag, but are not exactly the flag. I don't think this excuse is going to work at all. It would be like someone in England saying, "but when I threatened to kill the Queen, I spelled it Kween, and there's no such word, so it doesn't count." Good luck with that defense.

I'm sure courts will interpret "flag" to mean "anything that might remind you of the flag" and "desecration" to mean "anything upsetting." If a protester steps on something sort of flag-shaped that has red, white, and blue on it, like a paper bag from Burgerville, USA, then the important thing isn't whether or not this is "really" a flag, the important thing is that it annoyed me by reminding me of flag burning, therefore it is extremely illegal.

Quick reference guide to things that will count as desecration:

• Projecting an image of the flag onto Britney Spears
• Having a tattoo of the flag, and then getting a sunburn there
• "Sexy cheerleading" within view of the flag
  
• Saying that some other country's flag is prettier, if the flag could overhear it
  
• Failing to prevent the flag from burning of natural causes (such as a lightning-strike) by not having an adequate automated fire-extinguisher system in place
• Flag drowning, flag choking, flag electrocution, flag defenestration, flag poisoning, flag whipping (flag-gelation), flag freezing, flag crucifixion, flag boiling, flag burning, or feeding the flag to raccoons or other wild animals
• Wearing a flag thong (especially if worn while "sexy cheerleading")
• Burning a picture of the flag, or even a picture of the picture of the flag, etc.
• Painting a flag on the bottom of a swimming pool (counts as flag-drowning)

I hope that helped clarify this important issue.

Scallop Crab Cakes

The Osaka accent is the Japanese equivalent of the American Southern accent, even though it sounds totally different. And in the same spirit of completely-different-yet-the-same, Capitol Coffee House is my neighborhood's equivalent of a fine Paris bistro, even though they are totally different.

If you live in Portland, or are visiting, you must stop by there and try the scallop crab cakes. This is one of the best dishes I've had in a long time!

Muppet Panic

On the way home from work, I saw a woman walking a very large dog by the side of the road. For just a split second, from my angle, it did not look like a dog at all. It looked exactly like a Muppet. So I had this crazy momentary panic reaction, that went like this (imagine a Dave Chapelle voice here): "Aaah! That's a Muppet! Muppets are real! What's going on!? Aaah!"

Then the dog turned, and I saw that it was just the most unrealistic-looking actual dog I've ever seen.

Vampires and Sex

Michelle writes about reading erotic vampire mysteries. This reminds me, a friend once told me about a theory he had heard. The theory goes that vampire stories can be interpreted as an allegory for people who have some type of non-mainstream sexuality. Here are some of the parallels:

• Being part of a secretive subculture, and more comfortable among one's "own kind"
  
• Having to hide some part of one's nature from ordinary society and try to blend in
• The "unusual acts" that characterize the subculture typically occur at night, or at least in darkness
  
• One has regular "cravings" for these acts, which provide intense satisfaction once they are completed
  
• The acts involve an exchange of bodily fluids
  
• Being feared by members of ordinary society, who might even try to destroy you
  
• It is possible, but not that common, for someone from outside the subculture to be brought into the group

I don't think that the authors of vampire stories necessarily intend their works to be interpreted this way, but it is one possible interpretation. And ever since I heard this theory, I've come to think that maybe all vampire stories are at least subliminally sexual.

F1 Commits U.S.-market Suicide

Disbelief silenced the crowd when only six cars took their places on the grid. When people realised what was happening, that silence turned to anger. Fingers were raised and boos rang out. One fan showed his displeasure by throwing a can on to the track.

Before the cars had completed a lap the first of those to leave had left their seats and begun walking through the tunnel and out into the car parks.

-- the Telegraph

Only 6 cars raced in the F1 U.S. Grand Prix at Indianapolis. Michelin said their tires were not safe to run on, and so all 14 cars that were on Michelins withdrew from the race. Michael Schumacher won, but track officials did not even show up for the trophy ceremony, and many fans booed it.

The Michelin teams offered a compromise: they would run if a new chicane were put into the track. F1 did not allow this, and I don't blame them, because where would it end? Would tracks get changed every time somebody's equipment wasn't up to snuff? Michelin knew what the track was going to be like ahead of time, and they failed to show up with suitable tires.

Sadly, this is probably the beginning of the end for F1 in the United States. U.S. racing these days is all about NASCAR, and instead of attracting new fans to F1, this race just made a lot of people feel cheated.

More Flower Pr0n

A pink rose in my garden.

A lily in my garden. 

Kick! Punch! It’s all in the mind!

This girl was on one of those makeover shows where they give you a whole new look. This is the "before" picture. Her original look really reminded me of Parappa the Rapper; I started thinking of the Parappa music when I saw her outfit. It was cute, in a Parappa sort of way. I wish I also had the "after" picture because at the end of the show she looked very good, and very different.

Unidentified Flowering Object

I don't know exactly what this is, because we planted a whole bunch of bulbs and didn't label them. But I like it.

Portland: The Sights Of June

In Portland, June is the time of Rose Festival, when hundreds of thousands of people who have never been in Portland before, and have no idea how to cope with things here, pour into town for the festivities.

In June, visitors stop their cars in the middle of Broadway, at green lights, to consult a map and have a lively discussion about which direction North is. In June, people drive the wrong way up one way streets in the bus-only lane of the downtown bus mall and almost get in head-on collisions with the buses. It is so cute.

In June, the normal panhandlers (who I don't really mind) are supplemented by bizarre migratory panhandlers, who haven't recieved the standard training on how to ask for spare change in such a way that the question makes some kind of sense.

In June, people don't realize that the Portland weather is still terrible and it isn't really summer yet, so they dress in the spirit of summer, which at least once a day turns the entire downtown area into a giant wet T-shirt contest.

In June, I keep having the urge to say to people on the street, "hey, cool sailor costume!" But then I remember that in June, they actually are sailors.

In June, people on street corners give away free samples of weird new products, and I am reluctant to try them.

In June, you can tell who some of the people from out of town are, because they dress like they are expecting to be in front of MTV cameras any minute, instead of dressing like they just got back from a fishing / hiking / biking / rafting / Sasquatch-hunting trip.

In June, everywhere I go is too crowded.

In June, I'd rather be blogging. Or sleeping.

Penalty

I think the rules of all major sports should be changed so that it will be a penalty against the home team if, during the singing of the national anthem before the game, the singer at any point improvises his or her own melody to the song. In the case of the U.S. national anthem, it will also count as a penalty to prolong the words "free" or "the brave" for more than 5 seconds. The penalties will be assessed according to sport as follows:

• Baseball: the first visiting batter gets to hit off of a tee
• American Football: 15 yard penalty on kickoff
  
• Soccer: the home team captain gets a yellow card, and all players on the home team get a "wedgie"
• Basketball: double technical foul
• Hockey: theoretically a two minute penalty (if this sport still existed)
  
• Auto racing: the driver who lives geographically closest to the singer gets his or her tires slashed right before the start
• Cheerleading: home team must remove all makeup and glitter
  
• Gymnastics: home team must use butter instead of chalk
• Ice Skating: competitors from the home country or club must skate to the song A Horse With No Name instead of their planned music
  
• Beach Volleyball: 1 point penalty, plus home team must wear very nerdy clear glasses instead of their cool sunglasses
• Track and Field: home team must wear high heels
  

Quality of Life

Cynical Optimist asks:

What are the essential ingredients of a good life? How do you define a good quality of life? What would it take for you to be able to wake up tomorrow and say, "I have everything I want"?

If you were to make a list of that, which you'd have to acquire to reach a complete state of contentment, where would you start ... and how long would that list be?

Where would you draw the line ... what would be enough?

This is a good set of questions. To me it feels more like many slightly different questions than one long question. "Essential ingredients" sounds like the minimum necessary to be happy, whereas "everything I want" and "complete state of contentment" sound more like the maximum imaginable.

I'd say I have a good quality of life right now. Among the ingredients are, in no special order: good health, an interesting job, friends, a long-term relationship, fun hobbies, a cat, a nice place to live, relative freedom from debt (other than standard things like a home mortgage and car payments), the ability to travel occasionally, good food and drink, and internet access. I could wake up tomorrow with nothing to complain about.

On the other hand, I think that "everything I want" and "complete state of contentment" are unlikely. I would always want to be smarter, be in better physical shape, learn something new, try something new, get better at the things I do, etc. And I will always want there to be more hours in the day to do the things I want to do. So if enough means "can't reasonably complain," then I have that already. If it means "no desire to try for more," then that will probably never happen.

I suppose one could, while in a state of contentment, still strive for more -- not out of discontent or unhappiness, but because achieving things is inherently fun and interesting. That sounds good.

The Little Ones

The other day I was walking out of the grocery store when I saw two little boys, about 7 or 8 years old, riding their bicycles back and forth in front of the store. One of them called out to me, "Hey mister!" At this point I expected him to say, "Hey mister, watch me do a trick on my bike!" or something of that nature.

What he actually yelled was, "Hey mister, buy me beer! Buy me beer!!"

So I bought him a six-pack. Just kidding, actually I walked away. Kids these days.

Monkey Business

The New York Times Magazine reports that when capuchin monkeys in a Yale experiment were taught to use "money" (metal tokens they could exchange for food), they began to trade the money for sex.

What [the researcher] witnessed was probably the first observed exchange of money for sex in the history of monkeykind. (Further proof that the monkeys truly understood money: they monkey who was paid for sex immediately traded the token in for a grape.)
-- The New York Times Magazine, June 5, 2005

Maybe it's the "oldest profession" because it's the most obvious.

Iraqi Insurgents Admit Mishandling Of Sports Illustrated

After an exhaustive internal investigation, a group of Iraqi insurgents admitted that on several occasions copies of Sports Illustrated were "mishandled" within view of American prisoners. In one case, an insurgent stomped on the magazine while denouncing Major League Baseball as "a joke because of steroid-using cheaters." In another incident, a witness reported that an insurgent tore up a SI cover featuring race driver Danica Patrick in front of prisoners, telling them that allowing women to drive in the Indianapolis 500 (or indeed, anywhere) was an abomination.

A spokesman for the insurgent group insisted that these incidents were unauthorized and regrettable. "Look," he said, "our goal is to kill Americans and drive them from our lands, but cultural insensitivity . . . that is not our way. It gives our movement a bad name." The same leader promised to provide better instruction for insurgents on the importance of baseball and auto racing in American culture.

Stick-related Violence On The Rise

May 14:
A 23-year-old Colony Crescent woman told police her boyfriend closed a door on her face, hit her with a stick and pushed her to the ground May 14.

May 26:
The woman told him to go away, but he refused and kept knocking, police said. Eventually Mason turned as if to leave but got a large stick and used it to break the glass around the door, said 1st Sgt. Kim Chinn, Prince William police spokeswoman.

May 26:
When the officer arrived, the 22-year-old Wakefield victim told McCaul he was attacked by five white males who then stole his car, a white 1997 Cadillac DeVille. The five males allegedly chased the victim with a stick, a wooden board and a knife.

May 27:
Tetreault said the victim, a drug-dependent woman, went to a Tyler Street location Aug. 3, 2002, looking for crack cocaine. She approached Gordon, whom she knew, and he said he would have some crack in a half-hour. She said she couldn't wait. He knocked her down, they fought, he struck her with a stick, threw a bottle at her and then threw a brick at her, with the latter hitting her, Tetreault said.

May 31:
Scamahorn told investigators that Spurgeon, who is 5 feet 8 and weighs 150 pounds, began hitting Roberts' head, arms and back with a stick. Scamahorn, who is 5 feet 11 and weighs 210 pounds, said he kicked Roberts, and then began hitting him with a stick.

May 31:
Police received a report of an assault Sunday around 10 p.m. from a 34-year-old York Street resident. The man said the accused, Spann, broke into his home and beat him with a stick and his fists, according to a police report.

When will society wake up to the dangers of sticks, and the irresistable temptation to acts of violence that they present? One of the scariest things about sticks is their easy availability. If loaded guns and sharpened knives were just scattered around in parks for anyone to pick up and use, there would be public outrage. But walk into any wooded area and you'll see that sticks are just lying around everywhere, and nobody even seems to mind!

"Oh Lord, that's a stick!" I said to my friend, pointing in the direction of the deadly weapon as we strolled in the park.

"So? They're everywhere. What's your point?"

"Doesn't it bother you that I could go pick that up and hit you over the head with it?"

"It didn't even occur to me," he said.

"Obviously you're in denial. You don't want to accept how dangerous this area is, with weapons everywhere."

"What? You wouldn't hit me with a stick anyway."

"No, of course I wouldn't, my point is that someone could."

"But why would they do that?"

"Because they could. Just seeing the stick would probably be enough to put the idea into their heads."

"But by that reasoning, I could just as easily hit them with a stick too . . ."

"Now you're getting it! Violence is practically guaranteed, as long as sticks are around," I explained.

". . . but I wouldn't!"

"Today you wouldn't, tomorrow, who knows? Something must be done."

"Like what? Ban sticks?"

"Exactly," I said, "get the community involved, and get rid of sticks. A War on Sticks, if you will."

My friend paused. "Doesn't the idea of removing all sticks from all wooded areas seem a little . . . impractical?"

I sighed. "I prefer the term 'ambitious,' but yes. All great ideas seem impractical at first. So did going to the moon. We're talking about saving lives here, eliminating violence. Nobody said it would be easy."

My friend looked down meaningfully at a rock, then very slowly kicked it into the grass. I groaned.

Peony

I like this flower a lot. Unfortunately, it is in a spot in my garden where you have to make a real effort to see it. It should have some fancy presentation, like its own little gazebo.

Rose

A rose from my garden, in close.

Iris

Ready for liftoff.

Cardoon

I like these leaves more and more each year.

Ideological Panhandling

I don't mind real panhandlers, not at all. They ask me for spare change, if I have some I give it to them, if not I don't. The brief interaction is not a problem. What annoys me is all the ideological panhandlers. They don't want spare change, they want me to support their political cause, or convert to their religion, or sign a petition for their stupid ballot measure that amends the constitution to make Pi equal to 4, or some equally worthless idea. They want to engage me in some long conversation about their cause/cult/calling plan. These people are the real-life equivalent of email spammers. I want to say to them, "Get a real panhandling job, and ask me for a quarter!"

Dark Side?

It doesn't make sense that the people who use the Dark Side of the Force would call it the "Dark Side" themselves, as they do in the Star Wars movies. People don't usually call their own preferred system something bad. They would put a better spin on it, and call it something like the Full Potential of the Force, or the Unified System of the Force. And they would call the Light Side something like the Lesser Side of the Force, or the Limited System.

So the whole "If you only knew the power of the Dark Side" bit just doesn't ring true. Vader wouldn't have said that. He would have said, "If you only knew the full system of the Force."

Mime

Who is the world's most famous mime? That's right, it is Marcel Marceau.

Now, quick, who is the world's second most famous mime?

That's right, there isn't one. There is only one famous mime. Isn't that weird? For there to be only one famous mime in all of the world, in all of history? If mime could make one person famous, you'd think it could at least make two people famous. Oh, there have been other mimes who have had some degree of success, but none that the average person could name.

What about Teller of Penn & Teller? A lot of people know who he is. But he isn't a mime, he's just a magician who doesn't talk. It's not like he is up there on stage trapped in an invisible box or walking into a windstorm or something. Hmm, so who's the second most famous non-talking magician?

In The News

My father once told me that whenever he read the newspaper and it happened to mention some subject that he knew a lot about, it always seemed to get a lot wrong. And so he asked people in other fields whether they experienced that too, and they told him they did. So it is easy to imagine that the newspaper is mostly wrong about nearly everything (or at least every complex field that might be puzzling to the layperson), but we only notice it in our own areas of expertise. It is funny that we so easily recognize the mistakes in our own niche areas, but so easily trust the information in all other areas.

One of my favorite bloggers is back.

On The March

Democracy does not demand that people choose wisely, only that they choose. If democracy is on the march, so much the better, but perhaps we should wish that intelligence were also included in the march.

But intelligence does not demand that people act with noble desires, only that they act in the way most likely to accomplish whatever their desires may be. Thus we might reasonably add nobility to the list of things which we would like to see marching.

Yet nobility does not demand an association with practical or wise ideas, and so it must be accompanied on the march by wisdom and pragmatism.

If we could get democracy, intelligence, nobility, wisdom, and pragmatism to all march together, then we would really have something worth drinking to.

The student of history will object at this point that it is quite rare to get any two of those abstractions to march in lockstep, much less all five. The student of history is right. What a killjoy the student of history is.

Sarah Fimm Concert in Portland

I just got back from the Sarah Fimm concert at the Roseland in Portland. Sarah was opening for Peter Murphy, but I just went to see her and did not stay for the main act. Partly this is because I have to work on Monday and did not want to stay out late, and partly because I'm just not that familiar with Peter Murphy's music. The crowd was pretty Goth, so I think I was the only person there wearing a Hawaiian shirt.

Sarah and her band were great. With today's technology, sounding good on a studio recording is not all that tough. You can do a lot of takes until you get it right, you can correct pitch digitally, and there are many other tricks. But it is still challenging to sound good live, and a small club setting like the Roseland is not very forgiving. I'd say a good 50% of the bands I've heard in places like this sounded out of tune, sloppy, and basically horrible. But Sarah sounded amazing on every song. She really has a gorgeous voice and perfect phrasing.

The band was very good, too. They are obviously a disciplined group who have no "rock star attitude" but have a lot of skill. Tonight I started to appreciate how the rather sparse arrangements help everything to sound clear and crisp in a live performance.

When I drove downtown for the concert, I started to go to the parking garage where I normally park, but then I saw a police car headed directly towards me, going the wrong way on a one way street. I stopped. The police car turned into the parking garage, then two cops got out, drew their guns, and yelled at someone to get down on the ground. I couldn't really see exactly what was going on, but I went to a different parking garage a block away instead. It was a strange start to the evening.

Another odd thing: my girlfriend told me on the way home that she is pretty sure Peter Murphy was sitting right in front of us in the balcony during Sarah Fimm's show. Now I don't have a very good mental picture of what Peter Murphy looks like, so I don't know, but she says she is about 90% sure. If so, I feel kind of bad now, because I kept talking about how I was only there to see Sarah Fimm and didn't want to stay for Peter's show. I didn't mean to be impolite or anything.

My girlfriend used to sing with Oregon Repertory Singers and is a perfectionist about vocalists. But she kept leaning over to me and saying, "Wow, she is so good. She has a great voice. Do you have the CD of this?" "Yes, I have all of them."

Well, it was a fun evening, and I hope Sarah will come back to Portland again.

Detected

Today I visited one of my friends who I haven't seen in a while. Out of nowhere he asked, "are you Iron Monkey?" I admitted that I was. He said he had searched for my blog, and thought this was me. He said he recognized the phrasing of my writing, and he couldn't read the blog without hearing my voice.

(This is especially funny given the plot of the movie Iron Monkey, where the hero wears a mask to conceal his identity, and the villagers try to guess who he is.)

Anyway, I did not know my writing was that distinctive, though I do write more or less the way I talk.

In other news, I saw Star Wars: Episode III, and I got Midnight Club 3: Dub Edition for Xbox, and within a few hours of playing I created a very pimped-out Dodge Neon SRT4. I also went for a short ride on a friend's V-Strom 650. This is a lot like my SV650s, but with a more upright and comfortable riding position.

Bomb Squad Haiku

I just can't decide
cut the red or the blue wire?
Snip. OK, it - BOOM!

Stuff

I've always been suspicious of the idea of studying the habits of successful people in order to become successful yourself. After all, studying the habits of tall people won't make you tall.

Sprol is like Google Sightseeing but it takes you on a tour of the worst places.

29Guide has videos for your PSP, and pspcmx.com has downloadable comics for the PSP.

Some conversations are hard to understand.

Iris

My first iris of the season has bloomed. Also check out Michelle's latest Flower Pr0n.

In other news, I saw Kingdom of Heaven. And I've resolved to reduce my use of hyperbole, in fact I will reduce it more than anyone has ever reduced anything! Oh, drat. (OK, I stole the idea for that from my friend Lisa)

Stolen

start with this

something to complain about
if you have
something priceless stolen every moment

bullet holes in
a paper target
chicken tracks crossing the road

the chalk outline around
a fallen mannequin

I'm me, tie me I'm
a fallen mannequin

the chalk outline around
chicken tracks crossing the road

a paper target

bullet holes in
something priceless stolen every moment

if you have
something to complain about
start with this

Far Above Average

This is a very cute mannequin. If I were also a mannequin, I would probably want to date this one. On the other hand, to me most other mannequins look weird and somehow creepy, which is why this one caught my eye.

Fern

Fern in Forest Park, Portland, OR

Wild Iris

Wild iris in Forest Park, Portland, OR

Every time I have to take my shoes off to go through airport security, I am thankful that Richard Reid didn't hide anything in his pants.

Sarah Fimm in Portland

Sarah Fimm is coming to Portland, on May 22, 2005. She will play at the Roseland and open for Peter Murphy. If you haven't heard her music, download a sample from her site, or listen and buy at CD Baby or iTunes. Then buy tickets here.

Murloc Fin Soup 0.2

This is my second comic strip. There's a story behind this one. While I was carefully posing my character for these screen shots, a Horde Shaman came up and attacked me, and I had to run for my life! I had forgotten that I was still flagged for PvP from a battle the night before.

Murloc Fin Soup 0.1

This is my first attempt to make a comic strip based on World of Warcraft screen shots. I did it all using GIMP.

Don't Mess With My Haunted Shoes

My cat put a dead mouse in my shoes. I was out of town at the time, so I think it was his way of dedicating the kill to me. But the question remains: are my shoes haunted now? Does that make them less valuable, or more? Could I sell them on Ebay? What is the procedure for dealing with haunted shoes?

Customer Service Assassin

Tiny Pineapple has a great story about kids making business decisions in a virtual world. People typically worry that games like Doom may turn kids into deranged serial killers. Maybe instead they should worry that economic simulation games will turn kids into vicious cost-cutting, bottom-line-optimizing executives.

Where Are All The Fat Elves?

Elves: tall, lean, adventure machines. Just look at them, on the left side of this picture. But where are all the fat Elves? World of Warcraft lets you customize your character's face, but not the body. Maybe I'd like to make a round, fat Elf with a big beer belly, one who'd let himself go, with all his time spent reading magical tomes instead of working out. Maybe he's been hitting the Lembas pretty hard lately. But I can't have one, because officially there are no fat Elves.

I have a theory about this, though. Physically, biologically, there must be fat Elves. You just don't see them. Probably Elven culture makes most Elves extremely vain and body-conscious, kind of like Venezuelans. The fat Elves stay at home, out of public view, to avoid ridicule, while they walk on enchanted treadmills and work their Elven Thighmasters.

(To the tune of "Where Have All The Flowers Gone?")

Where have all the fat Elves gone?
Long time passing
Where have all the fat Elves gone?
Long time ago
Where have all the fat Elves gone?
Liposuctioned every one
When will they ever learn?
When will they ever learn?

Sideways

Sideways is a funny movie, and the wine jokes are great, but it also felt a bit strange to watch a movie where the guys are such pathetic losers. I wonder if this is how women feel when they watch a movie where the only female characters are drug-addicted hookers. At first I thought this was going to be sort of a male version of Thelma & Louise, but it wasn't. Come to think of it, maybe these guys should have driven off a cliff at the end, just to give the story a little kick.

Massively Multiplayer Online Pong

Massively Multiplayer Online Pong is the ultimate combination of old-school skill based video gaming with multiplayer internet competition! This screen shot shows a 9-on-9 Player Vs. Player skirmish, but MMOP-Net can support epic battles of up to 256 players, 128 per side. MMOP will have a global ranking system updated daily, with the opportunity to earn titles and unlock special power-ups. High level players may even earn colored paddles that will instantly identify them as 'leet, uber Masters of the Pongiverse. Minimum system requirements are low, but those with high end graphics cards will enjoy astounding frame rates, and a broadband internet connection is recommended. (After a 10-day free trial, you will need to activate your MMOP subscription fee of only $9.95 per month.)

[Author's note: this post is a joke, it is just a crazy idea I thought up, and I mocked up a screen shot to go with it. But now people come here searching for multiplayer online pong. I see how it might be taken seriously, though, since things weirder than this actually exist. And for all I know, it is possible that there is a multiplayer online pong out there somewhere, but I don't actually know of one. If there isn't, there should be, since there seems to be interest in it.]

Fun Podcasts

I've been listening to podcasts lately. They are just mp3 files, so you can listen to them on any mp3 player, you don't have to have an iPod. I use a MuVo. Podcasts cover a wide spectrum, from material that sounds like a professional radio show all the way to "some guy ranting into a two-dollar microphone." Here is a brief guide to some of my recent discoveries.

IT Conversations has a lot of interviews about technology. Try the one about real money in virtual economies.

Coverville is a music show about cover tunes. There is one episode that is all about Madonna covers.

The Sci Fi Channel has a great series of Battlestar Galactica podcasts that go along with the new series. Each podcast actually syncs up with a specific episode of the show, so you can listen to them while watching the show, kind of like a DVD "commentary track." This is such a great idea, I wish more shows would do this.

WC Radio has a series of shows about the game World of Warcraft. You can listen to these live or get the archives.

Gadling has a bunch of podcasts about travel, including interesting interviews.

Dawn and Drew are a married couple who do a quirky podcast together. In this episode, Dawn decides to try to boost the ratings for their podcast by having sex with Drew on the show. Things don't go entirely as planned, with humorous results. Warning: this one is adult content and not for the easily offended.

Cinecast is all about movies.

There are also some podcast directories you can use to find podcasts of interest, such as Podcast Alley, Podcast.net, PodcastPickle, and Podcastdirectory.com.

Beware

Michelle says:

"[. . . ]weight shouldn't be the only thing we consider as far as health. Fitness is a far more important issue, yet it is the thing that most people try to ignore.

It is far easier to buy carb-smart ice cream, or lowfat cookies than to get yourself to the gym every morning, but it is the exercise that is going to improve your health, not artificial sweeteners and the artificial fats."

Beware, my friends, of that which is easy to measure, for it will assume irrational importance. Weight is easy to measure, fitness is harder, so we obsess over pounds. Age is easy to measure, so we require a minimum age to drink alcohol, not a minimum level of common sense. Tests with multiple choice questions are easy to score, so they multiply. Size is easy to measure, so . . . well, just look at half the spam in your inbox. Speed is easy to measure, so the police set up speed traps, not "driving like an idiot traps."

So beware of what is easy to measure. Of course, there is something even worse than that. Beware of that which you want to be true, because you will tend to believe it even when it is false.

Cardoon

I've grown cardoon in my garden for a few years now, but I have never eaten it. Tonight I had a cardoon gratin at a restaurant and it was delicious. It has the texture of celery but the flavor of artichoke hearts. Now that I know how good this is I will have to try to make it at home. But make sure you really want this before you plant it, because it spreads very quickly.

Suffer

A few days ago, Clara penned (OK, typed) the classic line: "I suffer for my art . . . others should too." This reminds me of the saying: "If it was difficult to write, it should be difficult to read."

Popularity

There are people who will stop liking something once it becomes too popular. It is like reverse peer pressure. It seems strange, though, kind of like saying, "oh I used to like the taste of chocolate, but then I found out that millions of people like it, so now I don't like it any more. In fact, now I only eat pickled rabbit noses, because they're not trendy."

What if your favorite band became really popular, but you didn't realize it? Then would you still like them? If a band sells out in the forest, and nobody is around to hear, would their fans make a sound?

What if something were really popular, but nobody knew it? This sounds like a contradiction at first, but it could happen. A web page without a hit counter could become secretly popular. Or if the hit counter were broken and always reported a very low number, every visitor might be fooled into thinking they were among the "lucky few" to have discovered the page.

Lilac

Lilac in my garden. I should really get more of these.

Tulip

Tulip in my garden.

Where Did The Static Go?

I seem to remember being "zapped" by static electricity fairly often as a child. But it doesn't happen much at all any more. Why not? Is there something different in today's materials that leads to less static electricity build up? Is it all the anti-static-cling fabric softener? Or are adults somehow less conductive?

Amadeus

I want to compose a symphony where the crash cymbal plays on every quarter note throughout the entire piece. Then I want to go to a performance of that and see how long it takes the audience to get up and leave. I will call it Symphony No. 1, "Aggravation."

I will also include some soft, lyrical, beautiful flute and oboe melodic lines, that would be really perfect and touching if it weren't for those constant clanging cymbals drowning them out. Critics will say that it represents the struggle of man to express himself in an ever-accelerating technological world. And the piece will end with the conductor shooting the cymbal player. He will use blanks, of course, but they will make it look convincing, with stage blood and everything. The cymbal player will look up from the floor with an anguished expression, crying out "Why? Why? It was all in the score . . . I was just doing my job, you know that . . . we rehearsed it this way . . . arrrgggh."

And the few people in the audience who have stayed this long will be horrified at first, then awed. They will give the performance a standing ovation. But the one thing they will not say is "encore!"

Not Covered

My car insurance company sent me an amendment to my policy that excludes coverage of damage caused by fungi or nuclear weapons. It reads in part (all caps in original):

THERE IS NO COVERAGE FOR LOSS TO ANY VEHICLE THAT RESULTS FROM:
(1) NUCLEAR RADIATION;
(2) RADIATION OR RADIOACTIVE CONTAMINATION FROM ANY SOURCE; OR
(3) THE ACCIDENTAL OR INTENTIONAL DETONATION OF, OR RELEASE OF RADIATION FROM, ANY NUCLEAR OR RADIOACTIVE DEVICE.

I'm glad they cleared that up. Because in the immediate aftermath of a nuclear strike, I'm sure I would otherwise be thinking, "Wow, rough morning, but I'm sure glad it's all covered by my car insurance!"

Ghostblogging

If there are ghostwriters, will there inevitably be ghostbloggers? How many celebrity blogs will turn out to have been written by someone else?

I expect to see ads like this:

Do you want to blog, but just can't find the time? Does writing about your life make you realize just how boring it really is? Ghostbloggers has the answer. For just $14.95 per month, our professional staff of writers will create a new blog entry for you every day that will make you sound witty and fascinating. Select the level of embellishment that's right for you, from "based on a true story" to "extreme eBlarney (TM)." Join now and get the first week free!

How to Lie in Bed

Imagine a bed in a room, where the top/bottom of the bed is against a wall, and neither side of the bed is against the wall. Which way would you lie down in this bed? It seems to feel right to lie down so that your head is nearest the wall, and it seems backwards or weird to lie down with your feet close to the wall and your head out towards the middle of the room. Why is this?

Cost Per Wearing

A coworker told me that when she thinks about her clothes, she divides the cost by the number of times she has worn the item to get the "cost per wearing," and then she decides whether it was a good deal. I do not think about clothes this way at all.

For example, I rarely wear ties, so in terms of "cost per wearing" I would be better off buying a really cheap tie since I will not wear it often. But I look at it the other way around: a person who wore ties often would need a lot of them, but I can spend my whole "tie budget" on just a few really nice ties. Therefore, I tend to buy expensive ones.

My coworker's model of things strikes me as funny for another reason, too. The more clothes you have, the less often you will wear any one piece. So in terms of "cost per wearing" reasoning, buying a new piece of clothing decreases the value of all the clothes you already own. So it would be counterproductive to buy new clothes.

Welcome to Oregon

Oregonians are known for not wanting more people to move here, no matter how recently they themselves moved to the state. So during times of excellent weather, like we've been having in the last few weeks, true Oregonians worry that visitors might see this weather and decide to move here.

I think this attitude is old-fashioned and silly, so I no longer care whether people move to Oregon. Instead, I just want some of the people here now to leave. Specifically, I want people who run red lights to leave. Leave now. Go ahead, run every red light between here and the border, just don't come back.

Click Click Click

Have you ever noticed how when people use computers on TV shows, they are always perfect typists and everything always works on the first try?

TV version

Big Boss: We need that data now! There's no time to lose!

Nerd: [click-click-click] OK, here is the answer.


Real life version:

Big Boss: We need that data now! There's no time to lose!

Nerd: [click-click-click] Error? What, did I spell it wrong? Hold on. [click-click-click] Oh. Was it -d or -D? Wait. OK, maybe it wasn't in this directory. Where was . . . [click-click-click] I don't have permission? But this worked fine yesterday! What's going on? [click-click-click] I don't get it.

Big Boss: Did you try rebooting?

Nerd: [click-click-click] Not yet. OK I'll reboot. [click-click-click]

Big Boss: Have you got the data yet?

Nerd: Still waiting for it to finish rebooting.

Big Boss: Maybe it's hung. You could try powering down.

Nerd: Give it a few minutes. It looks like it's coming back up . . . OK. What was the data we needed again?

Big Boss: Never mind, it's too late, the bad guys escaped.

Dog on a Hot Tin Woof

At the theater . . .

Announcer: "With the exception of bottled water, no beverages will be allowed in the theater."

Me: "And with the exception of monkeys and small yappy dogs, no pets will be allowed in the theater either."

We saw My Fair Lady, and they played it broad and goofy, which is just how I like it.

And you will know me by the trail of spam

Me: What's your email?
Friend: It's --------@---------------
Me: Ok, I'll send you stuff
Friend: Wait, how will I know it's not spam?
Me: Don't worry, I'll set the subject line to "refinance your home mortgage for low low rates + free viiagr4"

Velenope

"I need a velenope."

"What?"

"A velenope. You know, an envelope. I was going to start talking in anagrams, but I see now it's not carptical."

Numbers of Years

The software industry has a strange practice of seeking employees who have a certain number of years experience with a particular technology. A job posting might require "at least 5 years experience with Java" or something like that. At first glance, this might seem reasonable, but it is actually kind of weird. It is easily possible to continue to do something badly for a very long time, so that adding more years will not add any more value.

For example, I know people with over 5 years experience using a VCR who still cannot set the clock. But they can press play, stop, fast forward, and eject, and that is all that matters to them. I think that even after 10 years experience, these people will still not be able to set the clock.

So I do not want to work on a team with someone with X years of experience with a technology. I want someone with X units of skill with a technology, and the more rapidly they acquired that skill, the better. Of course, skill is harder to measure, which is why the industry falls back on years of experience.

"I don't believe anything, but I have many suspicions."

-- Robert Anton Wilson

Heat Shock

It is ridiculously sunny and warm here in Portland for this time of year. It makes me laugh, because I think about how people who just moved here will think that this is normal. They will be in for quite a shock when Portland turns back into the Devil's Storm-Drain.

My Teammate

I was playing World of Warcraft earlier tonight. I teamed up with a level 2 character for a little while. The other player didn't say anything, and was slower than average in casting spells, but other than that everything was going fine. I figured it must be someone who just started the game, so it was no problem. We killed some monsters and completed a quest. We made a pretty good team. A few minutes later I got a chat message saying something like, "oh, this is funny, you've teamed up with my daughter who is playing, and she is only 6 years old."

I was shocked. When I was 6 years old, I couldn't have even imagined anything like WOW. Besides, back then computers had 1 byte of memory, took up a whole city block, and ran so slow that it was faster (and probably more accurate) to count on your fingers.

Duplicates

Her: We have so many duplicate items.

Me: They're not duplicates, they're backups. What is that thing in the back of your car? A "duplicate tire?" No, it's a spare tire. It's there to save you in an emergency.

[This conversation started because I have 6 pairs of headphones. OK, I guess that's an extreme "backup strategy."]

Iron Monkey's Rule of Lost Items

If it has been missing for more than 2 days, and it costs less than $20, then just buy another one. You probably will never find the original, but if you do, then you will have a spare.

The Ups and Downs

You can melt down, but you can't melt up. You can get fed up, but you can't get fed down. But getting shot up may lead to getting shot down.

Locking something up and locking it down mean the same thing, but knocking someone up and knocking them down are very different. Getting beat up and getting beat down are similar, but standing up and standing down are not.

You can tie something up or tie it down, and those are not opposites. Closing something up is not the opposite of closing it down. You can settle up or settle down, but they are two different things, not opposites.

But when you bring your computer system up and then bring it down, those are opposites. And if you mark something down the opposite is to mark it up.

You can let up and let down, back up and back down, but you only pack up and leave not pack down and leave, give up not give down, and you can bed down even though you can't bed up. You can only open something up and not open it down.

A quarreling couple can make up but not make down (and they can make out but not make in). You can feel mixed up but not feel mixed down. Yet being shaken down can leave you feeling shaken up!

Generally things get fired up or watered down, but not fired down or watered up. You can fill a glass up, but not fill it down. You can show up for work, but not show down for work. You can look someone up, but not look someone down* -- but you can look someone up and down.

English is officially broken -- everyone gets a full refund, plus a free replacement language.

[* One person told me that he thinks "look someone down" is acceptable. To me "she stared him down" sounds fine, but "she looked him down" sounds wrong. Native speakers often disagree about borderline cases like this.]

Haven't Seen It

I found this summary of UK politics on the Background Noise blog:

Labour Backbencher - "Could the Prime Minister please tell the House if he thinks terrorism is bad."
TB –

Labour Backbencher – "Does the Prime Minister think that money for hospitals and schools is a good thing."
TB –

Question of this nature come up all the time, asking the PM to support or condemn something that absolutely anyone would support or condemn. The topics of the questions change but the format doesn’t. Also allows the PM to talk about his policies.

In the U.S., we have a contrasting dynamic where any accusation against the administration is met not with a denial or explanation, but simply with a plea of ignorance. It goes something like this:

Reporter 1: Mr. President, how would you respond to the recent story in the Washington Post claiming that you are an evil robot from the future?

President: Well, I haven't seen the original article, so I can't comment on that.

Reporter 2: Mr. President, an ex-member of your cabinet said that you intend to launch a nuclear attack against Australia next month. Is this true?

President: If you're talking about the book that came out earlier this year, I haven't read it, so you're asking me to comment on something where I don't have all the information. Next question, please.

Adventuring

Lately I've started playing World of Warcraft. I love the look and feel of the world. The only problem with games like this is that they can make real life seem boring. After traveling through monster-infested mountain passes, learning spells, and finally discovering the ancient Dwarven city of Ironforge, going to the grocery store doesn't seem very cool.