Sideways

Sideways is a funny movie, and the wine jokes are great, but it also felt a bit strange to watch a movie where the guys are such pathetic losers. I wonder if this is how women feel when they watch a movie where the only female characters are drug-addicted hookers. At first I thought this was going to be sort of a male version of Thelma & Louise, but it wasn't. Come to think of it, maybe these guys should have driven off a cliff at the end, just to give the story a little kick.

Massively Multiplayer Online Pong

Massively Multiplayer Online Pong is the ultimate combination of old-school skill based video gaming with multiplayer internet competition! This screen shot shows a 9-on-9 Player Vs. Player skirmish, but MMOP-Net can support epic battles of up to 256 players, 128 per side. MMOP will have a global ranking system updated daily, with the opportunity to earn titles and unlock special power-ups. High level players may even earn colored paddles that will instantly identify them as 'leet, uber Masters of the Pongiverse. Minimum system requirements are low, but those with high end graphics cards will enjoy astounding frame rates, and a broadband internet connection is recommended. (After a 10-day free trial, you will need to activate your MMOP subscription fee of only $9.95 per month.)

[Author's note: this post is a joke, it is just a crazy idea I thought up, and I mocked up a screen shot to go with it. But now people come here searching for multiplayer online pong. I see how it might be taken seriously, though, since things weirder than this actually exist. And for all I know, it is possible that there is a multiplayer online pong out there somewhere, but I don't actually know of one. If there isn't, there should be, since there seems to be interest in it.]

Fun Podcasts

I've been listening to podcasts lately. They are just mp3 files, so you can listen to them on any mp3 player, you don't have to have an iPod. I use a MuVo. Podcasts cover a wide spectrum, from material that sounds like a professional radio show all the way to "some guy ranting into a two-dollar microphone." Here is a brief guide to some of my recent discoveries.

IT Conversations has a lot of interviews about technology. Try the one about real money in virtual economies.

Coverville is a music show about cover tunes. There is one episode that is all about Madonna covers.

The Sci Fi Channel has a great series of Battlestar Galactica podcasts that go along with the new series. Each podcast actually syncs up with a specific episode of the show, so you can listen to them while watching the show, kind of like a DVD "commentary track." This is such a great idea, I wish more shows would do this.

WC Radio has a series of shows about the game World of Warcraft. You can listen to these live or get the archives.

Gadling has a bunch of podcasts about travel, including interesting interviews.

Dawn and Drew are a married couple who do a quirky podcast together. In this episode, Dawn decides to try to boost the ratings for their podcast by having sex with Drew on the show. Things don't go entirely as planned, with humorous results. Warning: this one is adult content and not for the easily offended.

Cinecast is all about movies.

There are also some podcast directories you can use to find podcasts of interest, such as Podcast Alley, Podcast.net, PodcastPickle, and Podcastdirectory.com.

Beware

Michelle says:

"[. . . ]weight shouldn't be the only thing we consider as far as health. Fitness is a far more important issue, yet it is the thing that most people try to ignore.

It is far easier to buy carb-smart ice cream, or lowfat cookies than to get yourself to the gym every morning, but it is the exercise that is going to improve your health, not artificial sweeteners and the artificial fats."

Beware, my friends, of that which is easy to measure, for it will assume irrational importance. Weight is easy to measure, fitness is harder, so we obsess over pounds. Age is easy to measure, so we require a minimum age to drink alcohol, not a minimum level of common sense. Tests with multiple choice questions are easy to score, so they multiply. Size is easy to measure, so . . . well, just look at half the spam in your inbox. Speed is easy to measure, so the police set up speed traps, not "driving like an idiot traps."

So beware of what is easy to measure. Of course, there is something even worse than that. Beware of that which you want to be true, because you will tend to believe it even when it is false.

Cardoon

I've grown cardoon in my garden for a few years now, but I have never eaten it. Tonight I had a cardoon gratin at a restaurant and it was delicious. It has the texture of celery but the flavor of artichoke hearts. Now that I know how good this is I will have to try to make it at home. But make sure you really want this before you plant it, because it spreads very quickly.

Suffer

A few days ago, Clara penned (OK, typed) the classic line: "I suffer for my art . . . others should too." This reminds me of the saying: "If it was difficult to write, it should be difficult to read."

Popularity

There are people who will stop liking something once it becomes too popular. It is like reverse peer pressure. It seems strange, though, kind of like saying, "oh I used to like the taste of chocolate, but then I found out that millions of people like it, so now I don't like it any more. In fact, now I only eat pickled rabbit noses, because they're not trendy."

What if your favorite band became really popular, but you didn't realize it? Then would you still like them? If a band sells out in the forest, and nobody is around to hear, would their fans make a sound?

What if something were really popular, but nobody knew it? This sounds like a contradiction at first, but it could happen. A web page without a hit counter could become secretly popular. Or if the hit counter were broken and always reported a very low number, every visitor might be fooled into thinking they were among the "lucky few" to have discovered the page.

Lilac

Lilac in my garden. I should really get more of these.

Tulip

Tulip in my garden.

Where Did The Static Go?

I seem to remember being "zapped" by static electricity fairly often as a child. But it doesn't happen much at all any more. Why not? Is there something different in today's materials that leads to less static electricity build up? Is it all the anti-static-cling fabric softener? Or are adults somehow less conductive?

Amadeus

I want to compose a symphony where the crash cymbal plays on every quarter note throughout the entire piece. Then I want to go to a performance of that and see how long it takes the audience to get up and leave. I will call it Symphony No. 1, "Aggravation."

I will also include some soft, lyrical, beautiful flute and oboe melodic lines, that would be really perfect and touching if it weren't for those constant clanging cymbals drowning them out. Critics will say that it represents the struggle of man to express himself in an ever-accelerating technological world. And the piece will end with the conductor shooting the cymbal player. He will use blanks, of course, but they will make it look convincing, with stage blood and everything. The cymbal player will look up from the floor with an anguished expression, crying out "Why? Why? It was all in the score . . . I was just doing my job, you know that . . . we rehearsed it this way . . . arrrgggh."

And the few people in the audience who have stayed this long will be horrified at first, then awed. They will give the performance a standing ovation. But the one thing they will not say is "encore!"

Not Covered

My car insurance company sent me an amendment to my policy that excludes coverage of damage caused by fungi or nuclear weapons. It reads in part (all caps in original):

THERE IS NO COVERAGE FOR LOSS TO ANY VEHICLE THAT RESULTS FROM:
(1) NUCLEAR RADIATION;
(2) RADIATION OR RADIOACTIVE CONTAMINATION FROM ANY SOURCE; OR
(3) THE ACCIDENTAL OR INTENTIONAL DETONATION OF, OR RELEASE OF RADIATION FROM, ANY NUCLEAR OR RADIOACTIVE DEVICE.

I'm glad they cleared that up. Because in the immediate aftermath of a nuclear strike, I'm sure I would otherwise be thinking, "Wow, rough morning, but I'm sure glad it's all covered by my car insurance!"

Ghostblogging

If there are ghostwriters, will there inevitably be ghostbloggers? How many celebrity blogs will turn out to have been written by someone else?

I expect to see ads like this:

Do you want to blog, but just can't find the time? Does writing about your life make you realize just how boring it really is? Ghostbloggers has the answer. For just $14.95 per month, our professional staff of writers will create a new blog entry for you every day that will make you sound witty and fascinating. Select the level of embellishment that's right for you, from "based on a true story" to "extreme eBlarney (TM)." Join now and get the first week free!

How to Lie in Bed

Imagine a bed in a room, where the top/bottom of the bed is against a wall, and neither side of the bed is against the wall. Which way would you lie down in this bed? It seems to feel right to lie down so that your head is nearest the wall, and it seems backwards or weird to lie down with your feet close to the wall and your head out towards the middle of the room. Why is this?

Cost Per Wearing

A coworker told me that when she thinks about her clothes, she divides the cost by the number of times she has worn the item to get the "cost per wearing," and then she decides whether it was a good deal. I do not think about clothes this way at all.

For example, I rarely wear ties, so in terms of "cost per wearing" I would be better off buying a really cheap tie since I will not wear it often. But I look at it the other way around: a person who wore ties often would need a lot of them, but I can spend my whole "tie budget" on just a few really nice ties. Therefore, I tend to buy expensive ones.

My coworker's model of things strikes me as funny for another reason, too. The more clothes you have, the less often you will wear any one piece. So in terms of "cost per wearing" reasoning, buying a new piece of clothing decreases the value of all the clothes you already own. So it would be counterproductive to buy new clothes.

Welcome to Oregon

Oregonians are known for not wanting more people to move here, no matter how recently they themselves moved to the state. So during times of excellent weather, like we've been having in the last few weeks, true Oregonians worry that visitors might see this weather and decide to move here.

I think this attitude is old-fashioned and silly, so I no longer care whether people move to Oregon. Instead, I just want some of the people here now to leave. Specifically, I want people who run red lights to leave. Leave now. Go ahead, run every red light between here and the border, just don't come back.

Click Click Click

Have you ever noticed how when people use computers on TV shows, they are always perfect typists and everything always works on the first try?

TV version

Big Boss: We need that data now! There's no time to lose!

Nerd: [click-click-click] OK, here is the answer.


Real life version:

Big Boss: We need that data now! There's no time to lose!

Nerd: [click-click-click] Error? What, did I spell it wrong? Hold on. [click-click-click] Oh. Was it -d or -D? Wait. OK, maybe it wasn't in this directory. Where was . . . [click-click-click] I don't have permission? But this worked fine yesterday! What's going on? [click-click-click] I don't get it.

Big Boss: Did you try rebooting?

Nerd: [click-click-click] Not yet. OK I'll reboot. [click-click-click]

Big Boss: Have you got the data yet?

Nerd: Still waiting for it to finish rebooting.

Big Boss: Maybe it's hung. You could try powering down.

Nerd: Give it a few minutes. It looks like it's coming back up . . . OK. What was the data we needed again?

Big Boss: Never mind, it's too late, the bad guys escaped.

Dog on a Hot Tin Woof

At the theater . . .

Announcer: "With the exception of bottled water, no beverages will be allowed in the theater."

Me: "And with the exception of monkeys and small yappy dogs, no pets will be allowed in the theater either."

We saw My Fair Lady, and they played it broad and goofy, which is just how I like it.

And you will know me by the trail of spam

Me: What's your email?
Friend: It's --------@---------------
Me: Ok, I'll send you stuff
Friend: Wait, how will I know it's not spam?
Me: Don't worry, I'll set the subject line to "refinance your home mortgage for low low rates + free viiagr4"

Velenope

"I need a velenope."

"What?"

"A velenope. You know, an envelope. I was going to start talking in anagrams, but I see now it's not carptical."

Numbers of Years

The software industry has a strange practice of seeking employees who have a certain number of years experience with a particular technology. A job posting might require "at least 5 years experience with Java" or something like that. At first glance, this might seem reasonable, but it is actually kind of weird. It is easily possible to continue to do something badly for a very long time, so that adding more years will not add any more value.

For example, I know people with over 5 years experience using a VCR who still cannot set the clock. But they can press play, stop, fast forward, and eject, and that is all that matters to them. I think that even after 10 years experience, these people will still not be able to set the clock.

So I do not want to work on a team with someone with X years of experience with a technology. I want someone with X units of skill with a technology, and the more rapidly they acquired that skill, the better. Of course, skill is harder to measure, which is why the industry falls back on years of experience.

"I don't believe anything, but I have many suspicions."

-- Robert Anton Wilson

Heat Shock

It is ridiculously sunny and warm here in Portland for this time of year. It makes me laugh, because I think about how people who just moved here will think that this is normal. They will be in for quite a shock when Portland turns back into the Devil's Storm-Drain.

My Teammate

I was playing World of Warcraft earlier tonight. I teamed up with a level 2 character for a little while. The other player didn't say anything, and was slower than average in casting spells, but other than that everything was going fine. I figured it must be someone who just started the game, so it was no problem. We killed some monsters and completed a quest. We made a pretty good team. A few minutes later I got a chat message saying something like, "oh, this is funny, you've teamed up with my daughter who is playing, and she is only 6 years old."

I was shocked. When I was 6 years old, I couldn't have even imagined anything like WOW. Besides, back then computers had 1 byte of memory, took up a whole city block, and ran so slow that it was faster (and probably more accurate) to count on your fingers.

Duplicates

Her: We have so many duplicate items.

Me: They're not duplicates, they're backups. What is that thing in the back of your car? A "duplicate tire?" No, it's a spare tire. It's there to save you in an emergency.

[This conversation started because I have 6 pairs of headphones. OK, I guess that's an extreme "backup strategy."]

Iron Monkey's Rule of Lost Items

If it has been missing for more than 2 days, and it costs less than $20, then just buy another one. You probably will never find the original, but if you do, then you will have a spare.

The Ups and Downs

You can melt down, but you can't melt up. You can get fed up, but you can't get fed down. But getting shot up may lead to getting shot down.

Locking something up and locking it down mean the same thing, but knocking someone up and knocking them down are very different. Getting beat up and getting beat down are similar, but standing up and standing down are not.

You can tie something up or tie it down, and those are not opposites. Closing something up is not the opposite of closing it down. You can settle up or settle down, but they are two different things, not opposites.

But when you bring your computer system up and then bring it down, those are opposites. And if you mark something down the opposite is to mark it up.

You can let up and let down, back up and back down, but you only pack up and leave not pack down and leave, give up not give down, and you can bed down even though you can't bed up. You can only open something up and not open it down.

A quarreling couple can make up but not make down (and they can make out but not make in). You can feel mixed up but not feel mixed down. Yet being shaken down can leave you feeling shaken up!

Generally things get fired up or watered down, but not fired down or watered up. You can fill a glass up, but not fill it down. You can show up for work, but not show down for work. You can look someone up, but not look someone down* -- but you can look someone up and down.

English is officially broken -- everyone gets a full refund, plus a free replacement language.

[* One person told me that he thinks "look someone down" is acceptable. To me "she stared him down" sounds fine, but "she looked him down" sounds wrong. Native speakers often disagree about borderline cases like this.]

Haven't Seen It

I found this summary of UK politics on the Background Noise blog:

Labour Backbencher - "Could the Prime Minister please tell the House if he thinks terrorism is bad."
TB –

Labour Backbencher – "Does the Prime Minister think that money for hospitals and schools is a good thing."
TB –

Question of this nature come up all the time, asking the PM to support or condemn something that absolutely anyone would support or condemn. The topics of the questions change but the format doesn’t. Also allows the PM to talk about his policies.

In the U.S., we have a contrasting dynamic where any accusation against the administration is met not with a denial or explanation, but simply with a plea of ignorance. It goes something like this:

Reporter 1: Mr. President, how would you respond to the recent story in the Washington Post claiming that you are an evil robot from the future?

President: Well, I haven't seen the original article, so I can't comment on that.

Reporter 2: Mr. President, an ex-member of your cabinet said that you intend to launch a nuclear attack against Australia next month. Is this true?

President: If you're talking about the book that came out earlier this year, I haven't read it, so you're asking me to comment on something where I don't have all the information. Next question, please.

Adventuring

Lately I've started playing World of Warcraft. I love the look and feel of the world. The only problem with games like this is that they can make real life seem boring. After traveling through monster-infested mountain passes, learning spells, and finally discovering the ancient Dwarven city of Ironforge, going to the grocery store doesn't seem very cool.

Le Berceau

Le Berceau Blanquette de Limoux Brut is a great inexpensive sparkling wine. At my local store it is $9.99 a bottle. Many people think of sparkling wine as an expensive treat reserved for special occasions. But I like it for "ordinary" use, too. Also try Zardetto Prosecco.

Smith Fumbles To Mitchell, Eagles Touchdown

This must be the strangest scoring play I've ever seen in football. It happened in the NFC Divisional Playoff game between Minnesota and Philadelphia. Smith got tackled and flipped head over heels, but before he landed the ball came loose and flew up into the air. It flew 5 yards in the air into the end zone, where Mitchell caught it for a touchdown. That was one weird fumble recovery.

Funny Building

A very funny-looking building photo. Imagine if they built that next door to your house. It would be so easy to give people directions. You could say, "drive towards the totally crazy looking thing and then I'm right next door."

2005 U.S. Figure Skating Championships, Pairs

Tonight I went to see the pairs competition at the U.S. Figure Skating Championships. Here is a recap of my thoughts during the event.

First half of the event: "This is crowded. Am I the only person in the world who goes to both figure skating and motocross? Shantel Jordan and Jeremy Barrett have a lot of potential. They could be great some day. Is this lift harder than that other lift? It looks cool. This other couple didn't hold the pose long enough, they were probably too tired. What if they let a bunch of couples skate at the same time, and they were allowed to check each other into the boards, like in hockey? That would add some challenge, wouldn't it? How do they all fall like that and get right back up and keep going? Whenever I've fallen while ice skating, I got huge bruises that lasted for weeks."

3/4 of the way through: "Tiffany Vise is hot! She moves like a tigress. She is so hot. She is like another Katerina Witt, or something. Maybe she is genetically enhanced . . . secret experiments, alien technology . . . do they even test for that? The truth is out there, but can the figure skating world handle the truth?"

Last 1/4: "More couples. Just like motocross, it is much more impressive live than on TV. And also like motocross, in person it is much more disturbing when someone wipes out. Lots of Cirque du Soleil music. Hmm, I've never seen anyone fall after the program was over before. At least she is laughing about it. Hey, I'm back to reality. I guess I have recovered from seeing Tiffany Vise. But look over there, Peggy Fleming is still hot! OK, back to skating. Orscher and Lucash are very good technically, and I like their costumes, but they seem to lack some excitement. Maybe they are being conservative for this event. Is it over already?"

Thinking In The Shower

Why do people get good ideas while thinking in the shower? I think several factors are involved. The first is comfort. You never hear anyone say, "I had a great idea while I was in the shower this morning, and it was when there wasn't enough hot water and I was shivering, and I was running out of soap and there was a knock at the door." Instead, the positive effects of the shower tend to happen when one is warm and comfortable.

The second factor is privacy. In the shower, your thoughts are unlikely to be interrupted. If the phone rings, you have an excuse for not answering it.

The final factor is the sensory isolation of the shower. The sound of the running water creates a type of white noise that drowns out distracting background noises. The visual environment of the shower is also bland and neutral. I would guess that people with those "shower radios" who listen to the news while showering are not inspired by as many ideas there. I have not seen showers with built-in TV or computer screens yet, but it is probably only a matter of time. Once those are common, the phenomenon of coming up with good ideas in the shower will probably disappear.

The Scarf Eaters

From her bedroom window, Lara watched the lilies exude their staunch femininity. She slipped the tassels of a fresh, carpathian, embroidered scarf into her mouth and ate slowly. The long cloth slid down her throat and tickled as it snaked along her esophagus. She giggled and burped.

Oh, how the flora drew her in. Looking at flowers went so well with being a teenage girl. She wanted to paint them, so she opened a new Flash template. A blank movie this time.

Amazingly, this quote is from a guide to the Ruby programming language.

I'm watching the Minnesota - Green Bay playoff game, but I keep being distracted by a nagging question: how does all of Randy Moss' hair fit under his helmet? 

Should Have Been A Murderer?

Suppose you joined the Army 8 years ago. You signed up for an 8-year term, so now you think you're almost done. But just as you're about to leave and resume your civilian life, the Army tells you that your term has been extended for 27 more years. Don't you just hate it when that happens? Well, this did happen to Emiliano Santiago, a soldier in the Oregon Army National Guard. Oregonlive reports:

Santiago, 27, lives in Pasco, Wash., but is a solider with D Company of the Oregon Guard's 113th Aviation Battalion, based in Pendleton. He signed up for an eight-year tour beginning June 28, 1996. In April, less than three months before he was scheduled to be discharged, the Army alerted Santiago's unit that it might be mobilized.

As a result, Santiago's termination date was extended more than 27 years -- to December 2031.

By comparison, if instead of voluntarily enlisting in the Army, Santiago had been convicted of murder in Oregon, with no prior convictions he would have gotten a sentence of only about 10 years, according to the sentencing guidelines. He'd only have 2 years left on his sentence now, so he would be a free man 25 years sooner.

Sliming Herb

When you want to get slimed, nothing slimes you like the Sliming Herb.

3:15 PM Coffee Milk Tea

"3:15PM." Drinking it at any other time is strictly prohibited. "Coffee Milk Tea . . . . " What is that? Is it coffee and milk and tea all combined? That doesn't sound very good.

Always Know Where Your Towel Is

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is right: Don't Panic. Always know where your towel is. According to the Times Online, a British tourist saved his wife and children from the tsunami by tying them to a tree with beach towels:

A BRITISH tourist described yesterday how he had saved his wife and children from the onslaught of the tsunami by tying them like Christmas decorations to the top of a palm tree.

He told of his desperate ploy — using beach towels to hold his loved ones in place — as the first dedicated emergency flight from the disaster zone arrived at Heathrow.

If you haven't read the book, try it . . . who knows, maybe it could save your life.

Happy New Year!

He Would Choose The Tsunami

Last night I was talking with my brother about the tsunami. "I've been thinking about this all day," he said, "and I've decided that a tsunami would be a great way to die. If could choose how to go, that would be it."

"What are you talking about?" I said. "What makes that a 'great' way to die?"

"You'd be on a beautiful beach, surrounded by supermodels, and then a big wave comes in, and you're like 'maybe I can ride this one' and then whack you get slammed into a palm tree or something, and that's it."

"Uh, I'm not sure that's exactly how it would be." I said. "It could be much more awful than that . . ."

"No," he said, as if explaining the obvious, "it would definitely be the best way."

"I have a different idea of what would be best," I said. "One day, I walk out of my office building, and then wham, I'm crushed by a falling piano. It's so quick, I never feel a thing."

"What?" said my sister-in-law, "Where did the piano come from?"

"Somebody dropped it from the 15th floor."

"Why would that happen?"

"I don't know, maybe they were trying to move it in through the window and the rope broke. But it strikes my head in such a way that for a split second it plays a perfect C major chord, and that is the last sound I hear."

[Author's note: the recent tsunami was a terrible tragedy, of course. My brother and I happen to be the type of people who deal with such things through black humor. It is almost an involuntary response.]

Mixing Paint

As I was in the hardware section of a store, buying some wrenches, I overheard a young woman have this conversation on her cell phone. (She was standing near the paint aisle.)

"Hello? Oh, I'm mixing paint with Jesse . . . no, that's not a euphemism, we're actually mixing paint."

Amity Sunnyside Pinot Noir 2002

I got this wine as a Christmas present, and it is amazing! This is like the Oregon wine equivalent of a classic Rhone wine, with maybe a bit more fruit. Get some if you can.

Law of Slacking

Iron Monkey's Law of Slacking: Every action creates the need for an equal but opposite period of inaction.

The Tale of Supply-Side Santa

Supply-Side Santa: Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas! What's your name, little boy?

Timmy: I'm Timmy, and I want you to bring me a new bike for Christmas.

SSS: Ho, ho, ho! Oh, no, Timmy, I can't do that!

T: What? Why not?

SSS: Supply-Side Santa doesn't believe in handouts, he believes in encouraging investment. Why, if I decided what each boy and girl should get for Christmas and gave it to them, that would be a single-provider system with a centralized control mechanism! That's a very naughty Socialist idea, it's anticompetitive and anti-business, and it makes Supply-Side Santa very unhappy.

T: But if you don't give kids presents, what do you do?

SSS: I'm glad you asked, Timmy. I'm going to visit the houses of the wealthiest people, and give them even more economic advantages than they already have.

T: That doesn't seem fair, Supply-Side Santa . . . have the rich people all been very good this year? Better than me?

SSS: Ho ho ho! Of course they have! The fact that they are rich shows how they have been good and wise and hardworking. Those people will invest their new wealth, which will create jobs and stimulate the economy. Then maybe you can get one of those jobs, and someday you can afford that new bike you want!

T: But Supply-Side Santa, what if the rich people invest in companies that outsource all the jobs overseas? Then how will I get the bike?

SSS: Now Timmy, it's not Supply-Side Santa's fault if people like you are greedy, and demand higher wages and benefits than the global market can support. You'll just have to be more reasonable and work harder. Maybe you can do a little union-busting on the side to earn some extra cash.

T: OK Supply-Side Santa, now I see! If you gave me the bike, I would become weak and lazy and dependent on handouts. But by giving me nothing, and giving everything to the rich, it's actually all for my own good. I'll have an incentive to work hard and develop the right moral values.

SSS: Ho ho ho! Very good, Timmy, now you understand the true spirit of Christmas! Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year!


(Inspired by The Gospel of Supply Side Jesus.)

It's On

It's on. It's locked, and it's on.

Downtown Portland. 

Christmas lights. 

Updated the winter party quotes.

Remixed

Her: What was that song about racism I used to like a long time ago?

Me: Ebony and Ivory?

Her: No, it wasn't that. It was a much angrier song.

Me: Ebony and Ivory 2: The Kill Whitey Remix?

At The Tree Farm

Jim: "How should we cut down the Christmas tree this year?"

Me: ". . ."

Jim: "I say we set up from long range with a sniper rifle and then . . . crack!" [mimes tree falling down] "One or two shots should do it."

Me: "What about this one?"

Jim: "It isn't tall enough."

Me: "We can always put some viagra in its water."

Jim: "OK, now this is the one."

Me: "This is the tree. Time to take it down. Release the termites!!"

Jim: "That's a good idea but . . . I know, beavers! That's what we should have brought."

Me: "Next year we'll bring a pack of trained beavers, on leashes. They can fell the tree for us. That will save us so much work. Well, if you don't count the training."

Rating Beheadings

Her: ". . . that was just gross. But the best decapitation scene in a movie was . . ."

Me: ". . . um . . ."

Her: ". . . in Conan."

Me: "Yes! I knew you were going to say Conan. And you're right, that was the best decapitation in a movie."

Her: "When Conan's mother got killed."

Me: "What? No, not that one! The other one, at the end, when Conan killed Thulsa Doom and his head went bouncing down the stairs! That was the best one."

Her: "No way. The first one was better, because of the way the headless body slowly fell down . . thud."

Me: "I can't believe we're arguing about what the best beheading scene is."

Boba Fett sighted in downtown Portland. 

What's On My Treo 600

These are the Palm OS programs on my Treo 600. Favorites are in boldface, freeware is in italics.

• AcidImage
• BeamPro
• BigClock Note: this application does not completely work on the Treo 600. It crashes if you try to use the menu.
  
• Blackjack
• Bridge OC
• Casino Craps
• Cribbage
• Crosswords
• Dice 121
• Dir Assist
• FindHack
• FlightStatus
• FlySnake
• HandMap
• Hearts
• iPedia
• iSilo
• Klondike
• Marbles
• MayaDate
• mo:Blog
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Winter Party Quotes

After Summer and Fall party quotes, it is now time for Winter party quotes. There aren't many yet, but I'll keep adding to them.

"You can always tell what's in the oven . . . by the color of the smoke."

"The mininimum to get into the investment club is at least one indictment for securities fraud."

". . . and you know what else the wine steward said?" "Uh, 'Drink it all in one gulp or you're not a real man'?"

"I will suck out all your chi and use it for evil."

"Figure skating would be more interesting if they let them fight like in hockey."

"Tango is the Argentine version of Judo. There is a lot of grappling, but nobody gets slammed to the mat."

"Aren't you going to eat?" "I'm trying to put some meat on my wife for the winter."

"Your wasabi looks like an Ewok."

"She wants to help the downtrodden, but she works at [Law Firm]." "Oh yeah, and they only help the up-trodden."

"What do you think about those Internet-enabled refrigerators?" "Time will tell if it is just a fad." "Yeah, well, that's what they said about the wheel."

"For some people, 'I like you' is harder to say than 'I love you' because 'I love you' just means 'I'm going to get you into bed in a minute.' Don't you agree?" "Well, yeah, if it's said right . . ."

[After a discussion about catnip.] "Wouldn't life be more exciting if there were a such thing as human-nip?"

"The drug of choice there is sunshine." "Yeah, but it can lead to harder drugs."

Miracle Cure

When I was a child, I had the bizarre belief that when I was sick, I could be cured by eating onion rings. I don't know how I came up with that. My mother tried to talk me out of it, but usually after I kept insisting it would work, she would get me some onion rings (maybe just to demonstrate that it didn't work?). Most of the time I felt better after eating them. I'm sure it was all in my head.

But the weird part is that even now that I am an adult, this still usually works. I know how absurd it is, and that actually, eating onion rings when I am sick should make me sicker or at least have no effect, but it still works. Is it some kind of psychosomatic voodoo?

Give The Gift Of A Stick

Give the gift of a stick this Christmas! Pottery Barn has these fine sticks on sale. They were $5.00 per stick but they are now marked down to $3.49. A stick has so many uses: it can be a bat for stickball, a piece of kindling, a weapon, raw material for a whittling project, a dog toy, and so much more. Plus when you give two sticks, you have also given the gift of potential fire! Yes, there's nothing like a store-bought stick.

Modernizing Proverbs

Many of our proverbs have become outdated. They refer to things that are no longer common in daily life, but we still retain the sayings. Here are some suggestions for modernizing old proverbs.

Proverb: Strike while the iron is hot.
Problem: Refers to blacksmithing.
New Proverb: Flame while the newsgroup thread is hot.

Proverb: Don't count your chickens before they're hatched.
Problem: People don't count unhatched chickens any more, or watch them hatch. Modern bioengineered chickens are grown in vats.
New Proverb: Don't count your share of the Nigerian exile's fortune before it's wired into your account.

Proverb: Closing the barn door after the horse is gone.
Problem: Barns and horses uncommon.
New Proverb: Closing Internet Explorer after the spyware has been installed.

Proverb: Putting the cart before the horse.
Problem: Carts and horses no longer used for transportation.
New Proverb: Putting the athletic competition before the steroid use.

Proverb: The straw that broke the camel's back.
Problem: Straw, camels.
New Proverb: The spam that broke the email server.

Proverb: Don't judge a book by its cover.
Problem: Decline of book readership.
New Proverb: Don't judge a download by its filename.

Proverb: . . . Bob's your uncle.
Problem: Erosion of traditional extended-family based group formation.
New Proverb: . . . Bob's some guy your mom met in a chat room.

Lil John

Back when George Bush, Sr. was in office, Dana Carvey did an impression of him on Saturday Night Live that was so memorable that the impression eclipsed the real thing. I couldn't watch a real George Bush speech without thinking of it as somehow being a second-rate Dana Carvey act.

Dave Chappelle has done the same thing to Lil John. I can't hear "what!?" or "yeaaaah!" in a Lil John song without thinking of the Chappelle version and laughing.

Free Lil' John mp3 download here.

Unsatisfying Fairy Tales Vol. 1: The Boy Who Was Almost Prince

Once upon a time, there lived a poor, orphan peasant boy who worked hard in the fields. He was smelly and unsophisticated, but he had a heart of gold. For a while it seemed like maybe he was secretly the son of the King, because the King's son had mysteriously vanished as an infant. But then it turned out that the King's real son lived in a nearby city where he worked as a furrier, and since he was 10 years older than the peasant boy, the whole theory never made very much sense anyway. So the peasant boy was just some kid. THE END.

Commuting Not As Fun As Sex, Study Shows

Today's lesson is that you can learn all sorts of fascinating things, if you have the wherewithal to put together an official, multi-university, academic research project. For example, a recent study of women's happiness revealed that "Having sex is the high point of most women's' days, while commuting is the low point."

Faced with this startling new information that women like sex more than commuting to work, one might ask, how much more fun is it? 10 times better? 100 times better? Thanks to the Inexorable March of Science, we now know quantitatively that sex is actually less than twice as fun as commuting:

On average, the 900 women gave "Intimate relations" a positive score of 5.10, compared to 4.59 for socializing. Housework scored 3.73, which was better at least than working at 3.62 and commuting with a lowly score of 3.45.

The creators of this study aim for more than just the accumulation of abstract knowledge. The article reports that "they propose that their tool could be used to plan social policy." Well, one obvious social policy leaps out from this data. Society must find a way for people to have sex while commuting. In addition to increasing happiness levels, this could provide new, compelling reasons to car-pool, which would reduce pollution and oil consumption.

Bush Arrested In Canada?

Imagine my surprise at seeing this as the top story on Google News: "Canadians Authorities Arrest U.S. President Bush On War Charges." Don't bother looking for it, it is already gone from Google News, which is why I took a screenshot. It was a link to a parody article, but it was good for a momentary shock.

P.F.

I like to tell people that the P.F. in P.F. Chang's stands for "Pablo Francisco," and that it was a successful chain in Mexico before expanding into the U.S. Of course, this is all a fabrication.

One State, Two States, Red States, Blue States

These are our new flags. Please discard your old U.S. flags and use one of these, according to whether you live in a Blue State or a Red State. If we are going to have two Americas, we should have two flags.

On the other hand, if (like me) you are getting sick of hearing about red states and blue states, you can keep using our old flag as a kind of "retro" statement about your belief in a single America.

Maysara

Outside Maysara winery.

Sometimes

"Sometimes Evil drives a minivan." - Desperate Housewives

Give Kids The Crack They Crave

I was sent this picture of a friend's nieces. Apparently in France there is a cereal called Choco Crack. These kids have been dreaming up their own possible cereals, and they suggested one called "Goat Balls: little balls made with chocolate-covered goat cheese." As Dave Barry would say, I swear I am not making any of this up. Actually I like both chocolate and goat cheese, so I would try that.

Mountain Biking San Fierro

Mountain biking below the bridge in San Fierro, in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas.

Bullets vs. Drywall

I heard a report about assault weapons on NPR today. The reporter, obviously trying to play up the menacing nature of assault rifles, said something like, " . . . and these bullets can punch right through drywall and kill someone in the next room!" Drywall? Dude, I can probably put a hole in drywall with my elbow. That's not a good example. If a bullet couldn't go through drywall I would want my money back. Assault rifles are scary, but that is not why.

Sex, and even monsters, sells much better than economics.

-- Comment on the plot of Jason and the Golden Fleece in the TV documentary The Real Jason And The Argonauts.

Later in the same show:

Narrator: "Perched on the Georgian coast, beside the Rhioni river, is the ancient port of Poti."

Me: "Huh? The ancient Port-a-potty?"

When Headline Writers Attack

I just saw one of the silliest headlines ever:

FDA Hard On Viagra Ads

From the Hood to the Woods

Grand Theft Auto is no longer just about city life. In GTA:San Andreas, you can head out into the woods for some off-road driving. But don't try to take your ATV or dirt bike across a section of stream that's too deep. Just like in real life, you will get it stuck there and have a long walk back to the nearest highway.

Skynet In Development

As The New York Times reports, the Pentagon is building Skynet:

The Pentagon is building its own Internet, the military's world wide web for the wars of the future.

The goal is to give all American commanders and troops a moving picture of all foreign enemies and threats - "a God's-eye view" of battle.

This "Internet in the sky," Peter Teets, under secretary of the Air Force, told Congress, would allow "marines in a Humvee, in a faraway land, in the middle of a rainstorm, to open up their laptops, request imagery" from a spy satellite, and "get it downloaded within seconds."

Haven't they seen the Terminator movies? Don't they know this is how the machines take over?

Sponsored Money

One of the last places that sadly lacks advertising is our money, unless you count the back of the one dollar bill as being an ad for the Illuminati. So to raise government revenue and help pay off the deficit, I propose allowing corporate sponsorship of money. For example, Sony could sponsor $1 bills that have a picture of Crash Bandicoot instead of George Washington, and that say In PlayStation We Trust on the back. The pricing scheme would be simple: one dollar per dollar. For a million dollars, a company could get a million of their branded $1 bills into circulation. And people on a limited budget could spring for a few hundred "personal dollars."

Client Quotes

Clientcopia has a collection of funny quotes from clients, including this gem:

Client: (After viewing a sample of a multiple choice question)

Please change the "SUBMIT" button to "DONE".
Submit sounds too kinky.

(via Collision Detection)

Delicato

Delicato wine in the Bota Box is great. I tried their Cabernet Sauvignon. It's not just a case of "oh, I can't believe it's so non-awful for a really cheap wine." It really is good, even though it works out to the equivalent of $4 to $5 a bottle. I found it at Trader Joe's.

Lack of Tango Hurts Your Brain

If you want to lower your risk of Alzheimer's, try tango dancing:

Scientists in York have specifically identified tango dancing as reducing the risk of developing Alzheimer's disease by an astonishing 75 per cent.

In other news, leather jackets reduce your risk of un-cool-ness.

Slinging Rhymes

Thomas P. M. Barnett, who wrote The Pentagon's New Map, is looking for a name for his newsletter. So he posed the question, "know anything that rhymes with blogozine?"

I couldn't resist trying to come up with an answer to that, and I think I've found the perfect rhyme. It may be a little off-topic for his newsletter, but it is memorable. The answer, of course, is "snog a teen."

A Google-search of this phrase found no matches, a result which -- given the nature of the Internet -- I found extremely shocking. It's a sign, it is. Snog A Teen: The Journal of 21st Century Geopolitics.

Whelmed

Today I am feeling whelmed. Not overwhelmed, and not underwhelmed. Instead, I am whelmed just the right amount, like Goldilocks at the moment she tasted that third bowl of porridge. My goal is to remain in this whelmed state as long as possible.

Denmark 3, U.S. 1 (women's soccer)

Abby Wambach is becoming the "Shaq" of women's soccer. In the U.S. vs. Denmark match this weekend, Abby "posted up" just outside the 6 yard box. Then when Ally Wagner beat two defenders and crossed the ball in the air, one of Denmark's defenders jumped up to try to body-check Abby off the ball. The defender bounced off ineffectually like a rubber ball hitting a brick wall, while Abby calmly headed the ball into the net to tie the game.

And that brings me to my point: the future of women's soccer will be a game that is more physical. I don't mean "physical" in the sportscaster sense of "committing bad fouls," I just mean that size and strength will play as big a role as speed and fancy footwork. The U.S. will find it harder to succeed, not because they have gotten worse but because the rest of the world has caught up. With many of the traditional U.S. stars headed for retirement, the U.S. will need to rely on players like Abby Wambach, Ally Wagner, and Cat Reddick, and they will have to play tough. This weekend, they proved that they can.

The U.S. lost, 3-1, but the game seemed more even than the score. On a better day, Luckenbill might have saved the first goal, and the U.S. might have converted another chance.

Extreme Unicycling

Way back in the day, I rode a unicycle in the driveway, in parking lots, and even on the street. But back then we didn't have extreme off-road unicycling. (via Struggleville)

Guess The Missing Words

Guess the missing words from this ad copy:

"When twilight falls, prowl the night with the mysterious ------. Shrouded in the mystery is a passion that will only reveal itself as you slide it open. Its sublime form is exquisitely crafted, leaving you with a slim, sleek object of beauty, unmatched by any other. You and the -----, a combination that's as compelling as the night. "

Any guesses? The answer is here.

Removing the mouse ball can lead to hilarity. (at Deviant Dawl)

Rule of the Rails

Iron Monkey's Rule of the Rails: A train is just a big elevator that goes sideways.

(Early this morning while I was sleeping, this thought came into my head, and in my dreamlike state I thought it was the most profound thing I have ever discovered. Now that I am awake, it does not seem quite so useful.)

Bacon Flavored Tennis Balls

From the people who brought you Broccoli Flavored Basketballs.

Warmth

If the opposite of warm is cold, what is the opposite of warmth? Coldth? Coolth? Chillth?

Air Superiority

When playing Star Wars: Battlefront multiplayer on the Hoth level, here is my advice. Be the Rebels, be a pilot, and run straight for the snowspeeder before other players get it. This level is completely unfair because the Rebels have aircraft and the Empire does not. As a pilot in the snowspeeder, you will be almost invincible. If you take more than half damage, fly away from the battle and as high up as you can get. Wait until your piloting skills repair the vehicle and then rejoin the battle.

You can use the Empire ground troops for target practice as you go on repeated strafing runs. Anyone without a missile launcher will be helpless against you, and even if they have missiles you can usually dodge them. The only problem with this strategy is that after doing it once or twice it gets boring.

Then you'll want to try something else, like joining the Empire and trying to shoot down the snowspeeders. I've shot down only 1 so far. I think if enough of the Empire players would all spawn with missile launchers and all shoot at once, it should be easy, but people don't seem to do that.

my house has a new set of lungs
breathing in cold air, breathing out warm

the furnace, in the dark corner of my garage
sits with a belly full of fire like a young dragon
the garden hose its coiled tail
the rake its claw

I know from the sound of its breathing
whether it is day
or night

Historic Bathroom

Seen downtown. "Historic Bathroom."

Million

Late last night I walked past a guy on the street and he said, "Can you spare a million dollars? I need a million dollars for some crack!" We both laughed.

"Grass. Just a pinch between my cheek and gum, and I get pure grass satisfaction all afternoon long."

Pimp My Stapler

Tricked out by West Coast Staplers.

Email Takedown

If you use Microsoft Outlook, eventually you will probably get hit by one of those Outlook worms that infects your computer and then forwards its vile payload to everyone in your Contacts list. You may not be able to prevent this, but what you could do is to add some people you don't like to your Contacts list. After all, why should only your friends suffer from your misfortune? That wouldn't be fair, would it?

If That's What They Are

"It's alarming to some degree that crazy people, if that's what they are, in Iraq are taking notice of a school or anything else in our community."

That's a quote in The New York Times from a concerned parent who heard about a scary computer disk found in Iraq. As the Washinton Post reports:

The FBI advised officials in as many as eight cities last month to tighten security in schools after U.S. soldiers raiding an apartment in Iraq seized computer disks containing information about those towns' school systems that was taken from Web sites, government officials said yesterday.

What you say? Some kind of "information" that was publicly available on the Web somehow made its way onto computer disks in some guy's apartment? Gadzooks!

U.S. officials said they remain uncertain whether the Iraqi whose computer disks contained the school information was involved in terrorist activity, and stressed that the government has no evidence of a plot to attack any schools in this country.

Well, for that matter I'm "uncertain" whether my neighbors are cannibals, and I have no evidence that they eat human flesh during midnight raccoon-worshipping rituals, but just the fact that I mentioned it is a little unsettling, isn't it? But what was on the disks? The Star-Telegram says:

Some material on the disk appeared to be randomly downloaded from a publicly accessible Education Department Web site and included such things as manuals on workplace safety, crisis management studies, student codes of conduct and building security diagrams. It also contained an Education Department report on school crisis planning that was published in May 2003.

No sane person would be interested in student codes of conduct, so we are obviously dealing with a madman here. And someone who wanted to make workplaces more dangerous could read the workplace safety manuals and then do the opposite of everything they said! On the other hand, according to The New York Times:"The officials said the man may have been downloading the information as part of a civil redevelopment project for Iraqi schools."

But forget all that. What I love about the first quote is the clever phrase: if that's what they are. I'm going to start using that all the time. For example, just a moment ago I heard elephants, if that's what they are, rustling around outside my garage.

A parent in a Miami Herald story said:

''Do you keep your kids home from school?'' Howe asked. "What do you do? Unfortunately, we have to go on living our everyday life.'

Well, I'd keep writing about this, but unfortunately I have to go on living my everyday life, and it's time for me to drink a few beers, if that's what they are.

How to Scare People with Letters

Bruce Schneier blogs about a flight disrupted by Arabic writing.

Last month in Milwaukee, a Midwest Airlines flight had already pulled away from the gate when someone, the articles don't say who, found Arabic writing in his or her copy of the airline's in-flight magazine.

I have no idea what sort of panic ensued, but the airplane turned around and returned to the gate. Everyone was taken off the plane and inspected. The plane and all the luggage was inspected. Surprise; nothing was found.

Just wait until people notice that their flight number contains Arabic numerals! That will be a scare. Airlines will have to switch to Roman numerals just to be on the safe side. I can't wait to board "Flight CCCLXXVIII to Albuquerque" leaving from "Gate D-XIV."

How to Scare People with Statistics

Step 1. Start with data that shows a positive trend, like this DOT highway fatality data that shows that the traffic fatality rate is at the lowest level ever recorded. This article states the correct conclusion at the top:

The fatality rate on the nation’s highways in 2003 was the lowest since record keeping began 29 years ago, the U.S. Transportation Secretary Norman Y. Mineta announced today. The number of crash-related injuries also dropped to a historic low in 2003.

"America’s roads and highways are safer than ever," said Secretary Mineta. "The decreasing number of traffic fatalities and record low death rate on our roads shows that we are headed down the right road – one that leads to a safer America."

But don't worry, we can find ways to make this data sound scary, as if it means just the opposite.

Step 2. Change the comparison. The fatality rate went down, but we can still make it sound like it went up by comparing absolute numbers (instead of percentages) against some past year.

42,643 people died in traffic accidents in 2003, an increase of 1032 deaths compared to 1999.

(The absolute number can go up even when the rate goes down, because of increasing population and increasing miles driven.)

Step 3. Find some geographic area where things got worse. The fatality rate went down on the whole, but that doesn't mean it went down everywhere. There are probably some areas where it went up. Find one of those areas and comment on it.

In the District of Columbia, 20 more people died compared to the previous year.

Step 4. Change to percentages if that sounds scarier. Since there were so few traffic fatalities (47) in D.C. in 2002, an increase of 20 is large if stated in percentage terms.

In the District of Columbia, the fatality rate increased by 43% over the previous year.

Step 5. Always round up. Why not make 43% sound even larger?

In the District of Columbia, the fatality rate increased by nearly 50% over the previous year.

As an added bonus, some people who are math-challenged will think that an increase of 50% means that the rate "doubled." Let them think that.

Step 6. Find some category that got worse. Even though the fatality rate as a whole went down, there is probably some category of accident that increased. Quote that part.

SUV rollover fatalities increased 6.8 percent from 2,471 to 2,639, even as SUV registrations increased 11 percent.

Step 7. Edit to remove context. Oops, that isn't really worse, it's better. The second half of that sentence explains what is really going on: there were more SUV rollover fatalities because there were more SUVs on the roads. Since the number of registrations increased more than the fatalities increased, it means there were actually fewer rollovers per SUV on the road. But that doesn't sound scary, so remove that part, and only leave in the part that makes it sound like things have gotten worse.

SUV rollover fatalities increased 6.8 percent from 2,471 to 2,639.

Step 8. Use "slippery slope" arguments to imply that small changes now are only warnings of much bigger disasters to come.

If these increases continue, eventually 100% of SUVs will roll over and kill their drivers, and everyone in the District of Columbia will die in a car crash. If road speeds keep increasing, in the future it will be common for drivers to speed through school zones at 200mph.

Step 9. Add a scary headline. The headline is the first thing people read, so it will color their interpretation of everything that comes afterwards.

OUR DEADLY HIGHWAYS: HOW SOON WILL YOUR CHILDREN DIE ON THE ROAD?


Conclusion: This example is hypothetical and meant to be a humorous illustration of how to scare people by creatively interpreting statistics. But look for this type of analysis "in the wild" and you just might find it.

It's been a while since I posted flower porn, so enjoy these flower photos.

Added Bonus: volcano porn. More.

Quote of the Day

I even take the position that sexual orgies eliminate social tensions and ought to be encouraged.

- Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia (link)

The Future Does Not Rock . . . The Vote

I'm shocked—shocked!—to learn, in the October 2004 issue of Wired magazine, that our democracy tragically disenfranchises people who have not yet been born.

The future doesn't vote. And when tomorrow's generations get their turn at the polls, they won't be able to punish those who failed to consider their interests.

This makes me angry, mainly because it reminds me that I have no way of punishing people who lived in the past. If I did, I would surely fine Edith Wharton for writing Ethan Frome. But if there's one thing I've learned from watching all of the Terminator movies, it's that future generations definitely will come back to change whatever they don't like about the future.

I'm more worried by the fact that my future self can't vote today, and I might be unwittingly working against his interests, if I change my mind about things between now and then.